Self-Soothing

DBT Distress Tolerance skills are especially useful when something is painful or difficult and cannot be immediately changed.

Self-Soothing helps you get through the moment without automatically:

• Acting impulsively
• Making the situation worse
• Adding unnecessary suffering

In DBT, Self-Soothing is not merely:

“Give yourself something distracting.”

The quality of the activity matters.

You are intentionally treating yourself in a way that is:

• Comforting
• Gentle
• Nurturing
• Mindfully kind

Some people notice thoughts like:

• “I don't deserve to feel comfortable.”
• “I should be able to handle this without soothing myself.”
• “Taking care of myself is selfish.”

Notice those thoughts without automatically obeying them.

Self-Soothing is a coping skill.

It does not require proving that you have suffered enough to deserve it.

If listening to music helps, you do not also need to find:

• A scent
• A snack
• A special texture

just to complete the list.

The five senses are:

options, not requirements.

You may naturally respond more strongly to:

• Music
• Warmth
• Visual surroundings
• Food or drink
• Scents

Learn which sensory channels are most useful for you.

You might look at:

• Trees or plants
• The sky
• Artwork
• A photograph you like
• A candle or soft lighting
• An interesting object
• A tidy or comfortable part of your room

Slow down enough to actually notice it.

Rather than simply glancing at something, notice:

• Color
• Shape
• Light
• Texture
• Movement

Let your attention stay with what you are seeing.

If your surroundings feel harsh or overstimulating, you might:

• Dim the lights
• Move somewhere less cluttered
• Look out a window
• Step outside

when practical.

A photograph or calming video might be soothing.

Endless scrolling, upsetting news, or overstimulating content may do the opposite.

Ask:

“Is what I'm looking at actually soothing me?”

You might listen to:

• Music
• Rain
• Ocean sounds
• Birds
• A fan
• White or steady background noise
• A familiar comforting voice

Instead of putting music on only as background noise, spend a moment noticing:

• The rhythm
• The instruments
• The tone
• The spaces between sounds

Let listening become the activity.

If you have been surrounded by:

• Conversation
• Traffic
• Television
• Notifications

reducing sound may be more soothing than adding more.

Comfortable sound does not need to be loud.

Avoid using unnecessarily high volume as part of the skill.

You might notice:

• Coffee or tea
• Soap
• Shampoo
• Lotion
• Flowers
• Fresh air
• Food cooking

The scent does not need to be marketed as:

“aromatherapy.”

It only needs to be something you find pleasant.

Let yourself smell the item naturally.

There is no need to repeatedly inhale as deeply as possible.

Simply notice:

“What does this actually smell like?”

Strong scents can trigger:

• Headaches
• Nausea
• Respiratory irritation
• Sensory overload

If fragrance bothers you, skip smell entirely or choose something very mild.

If you use scented candles, keep basic fire safety in mind.

An unlit scented item or another fragrance source may be easier when an open flame is not appropriate.

You might choose:

• Tea
• Coffee
• A favorite snack
• Fruit
• Gum or a mint
• Another food or drink you enjoy

Instead of consuming it automatically, notice:

• Flavor
• Temperature
• Texture
• Sweetness
• Saltiness
• Other qualities

Take one sip or bite.

Pause.

Notice what happens in your mouth.

Let the sensory experience be the focus for a moment.

The DBT principle is to soothe yourself without creating another problem.

Taste can mean:

intentionally enjoying a sensory experience,

rather than trying to overwhelm or numb the emotion through excessive eating.

If food-related coping is complicated for you, use another sense instead.

Choose food and drink that are appropriate for your:

• Allergies
• Medical needs
• Dietary needs

Self-Soothing should not require ignoring your health.

You might use:

• A soft blanket
• Comfortable clothing
• A pillow
• A plush object
• A smooth stone
• A textured object you enjoy

Notice:

• Softness
• Pressure
• Weight
• Temperature
• Texture

A comfortable:

• Shower
• Bath
• Hand wash

can provide noticeable sensory input.

Pay attention to temperature and sensation rather than operating entirely on autopilot.

You might:

• Hold your own hands
• Rest a hand on your chest
• Hold your forearm

if self-touch feels comfortable.

See:

Hand on Heart / Compassionate Touch

for a more detailed version of this practice.

A texture one person loves may feel unpleasant to someone else.

Choose based on:

your sensory preferences,

not what is supposedly relaxing.

There is a difference between:

having music on while thinking about ten other things

and:

deliberately listening to the music for a few minutes.

Give the sensory experience some attention.

You might silently say:

• “This blanket feels warm.”
• “The music is slow.”
• “The tea tastes slightly sweet.”
• “I can smell the soap.”

This can help keep your attention with the soothing experience.

Self-Soothing is especially useful when the problem:

• Cannot be solved immediately
• Needs to wait until later
• Is temporarily outside your control

The skill can help you tolerate the period between:

“This hurts”

and:

“Now I can decide what comes next.”

Comfort does not mean:

“Everything is okay.”

It may mean:

“Everything is not okay, and I can still make these ten minutes a little easier to tolerate.”

After the immediate emotional intensity decreases, ask:

“Is there something I need to do about this situation?”

You may need to:

• Make a decision
• Have a conversation
• Complete a task
• Set a boundary
• Ask for help
• Use Problem Solving

Self-Soothing may stop being effective if it becomes:

a way to indefinitely avoid something that actually needs attention.

A useful sequence can be:

Soothe → Stabilize → Reassess → Act if needed.

If something is genuinely outside your control, Problem Solving may not be appropriate.

In that case, Self-Soothing may be paired with:

• Radical Acceptance
• Turning the Mind
• Present-Moment Focus

A helpful activity can create problems when used in excess.

For example, soothing yourself with entertainment may become less effective if it turns into avoiding everything for an entire day.

The question is:

“Is this helping me tolerate the moment without creating another problem?”

Healthy Self-Soothing aims to make distress more tolerable.

It does not require:

completely shutting off awareness, emotion, or responsibility.

If an activity consistently creates serious consequences, it is probably not functioning as effective Self-Soothing.

One person may love:

heavy blankets.

Another may feel trapped or overheated by them.

One person may enjoy:

scented candles.

Another may get a headache from fragrance.

Your own sensory response matters.

If you are sensitive to:

• Bright light
• Loud sound
• Strong smells
• Certain textures

self-soothing may involve:

reducing sensory input

rather than adding it.

For example:

• Dim the lights
• Move somewhere quieter
• Wear comfortable clothing
• Avoid fragrance

A particular:

• Smell
• Song
• Texture
• Type of touch

may be connected to an upsetting memory or experience.

If so, do not keep using it simply because it appears on a coping-skills list.

If touch feels uncomfortable, try:

• Vision
• Hearing

If internal sensations feel overwhelming, choose something clearly external.

Self-Soothing should be adapted to you.

If you are currently in an unsafe situation, the priority may be:

responding to the danger,

not trying to soothe yourself into tolerating it.

Self-Soothing is not a requirement to stay in situations involving:

• Threats
• Violence
• Abuse
• Immediate physical danger

Sometimes a brief soothing strategy can help you become organized enough to take effective action.

But the ultimate goal may still be:

• Leaving
• Getting help
• Setting a boundary
• Addressing the problem

You may not have the attention for:

“Let's thoughtfully explore five different sensory categories.”

That's fine.

Try:

• Blanket
• Music
• Warm drink
• Comfortable lighting

Choose:

one thing.

Self-Soothing does not require a special kit.

You might already have:

• A comfortable chair
• A sweatshirt
• Music on your phone
• Water or tea
• A window with a view

When you are calm, make a short list of things that work for each sense.

For example:

• Vision: trees outside my window
• Hearing: quiet instrumental music
• Smell: coffee
• Taste: peppermint tea
• Touch: soft blanket

Then you do not have to invent a coping strategy in the middle of distress.

You might keep a few small items available.

For example:

• A photograph
• Headphones
• A mild scent you tolerate
• Gum or a mint
• A small textured object

You do not need something from every category.

Something that once felt soothing may stop working.

Something new may work better.

Treat your list as:

a menu, not a prescription.

You might:

• Listen to music through headphones
• Look out a window
• Hold a warm drink
• Notice comfortable clothing
• Hold your own hands
• Use gum or a mint

Self-Soothing does not need to be obvious to anyone else.

You might make part of your space easier to settle in by adjusting:

• Lighting
• Noise
• Temperature
• Comfortable seating
• Blankets or pillows

This does not need to become an expensive redesign.

Small environmental changes can make useful coping options easier to access.

You might notice:

“I feel guilty sitting here comfortably when I have things to do.”

Or:

“I don't deserve to take care of myself after what happened.”

Those feelings can be acknowledged without automatically abandoning the skill.

If you made a mistake, you may still need to:

• Take responsibility
• Repair something
• Change your behavior

Self-Soothing does not cancel those responsibilities.

It may help you become regulated enough to address them more effectively.

Choose one sense.

Find one experience you find pleasant.

Spend one minute giving it your full attention.

Ask:

• What do I notice?
• Does this feel soothing?
• Would I use it again?

Write at least one option for:

• Vision: __________
• Hearing: __________
• Smell: __________
• Taste: __________
• Touch: __________

These become your personal Self-Soothing menu.

Combine two senses.

For example:

Touch + Hearing:

• Wrap yourself in a blanket
• Listen to music

Or:

Taste + Smell:

• Make tea
• Notice its aroma
• Slowly taste it

During a shower, deliberately notice:

• Water temperature
• Pressure of the water
• Smell of soap or shampoo if pleasant
• The sound of the water

Instead of spending the entire shower inside your thoughts, periodically return attention to the sensory experience.

Choose an appropriate drink you enjoy.

Notice:

• Temperature in your hands
• Smell
• Taste
• Temperature in your mouth

Let several senses participate in the same activity.

Choose one song that tends to feel:

• Comforting
• Steady
• Pleasant

Listen to it without doing anything else for the first minute.

Notice:

• Rhythm
• Instruments
• Sound quality
• Your emotional response

Choose something you enjoy looking at.

Spend one minute finding details you would normally miss.

Notice:

• Color
• Shape
• Light
• Movement

Choose a comfortable:

• Blanket
• Pillow
• Fabric
• Other tactile object

Feel it slowly with your hands.

Notice:

• Texture
• Temperature
• Pressure

Choose a few small items you can safely carry.

Examples might include:

• A meaningful photo
• Headphones
• A mint
• A small textured object

Choose items based on what actually works for you.

Use one soothing activity for several minutes.

Then ask:

1. Is the situation still happening?
2. Can I change it?
3. Is there one action I need to take?
4. Or do I need to keep tolerating something I cannot change yet?

This helps keep Self-Soothing connected to effective action.

Try several options when you are relatively calm.

Label them:

• Very soothing
• Somewhat soothing
• Neutral
• Not soothing

Keep the ones that work.

Drop the ones that do not.

When distress is intense, even normally pleasant things may not feel appealing.

Choose something:

neutral and tolerable

instead of searching for something wonderful.

A quiet room or comfortable chair may be enough.

Self-Soothing is not expected to erase every painful emotion.

Ask:

• Is the distress even slightly more tolerable?
• Did I avoid making the situation worse?
• What skill do I need next?

You might need:

• TIPP
• Grounding
• Radical Acceptance
• Problem Solving
• Support from another person

Self-Soothing is not the same as:

avoiding every responsibility or giving yourself everything you want.

It is intentionally reducing unnecessary distress so that you can get through a difficult moment more effectively.

Notice the guilt.

Then ask:

“Am I actually doing something harmful, or does caring for myself simply feel unfamiliar?”

You can practice a small amount of Self-Soothing while allowing the guilt to be present.

Reduce the stimulation.

Try:

• Lower light
• Less sound
• No fragrance
• Softer clothing
• A quieter environment

Self-Soothing can involve removing unpleasant sensory input, not only adding pleasant input.

Ask whether you are still:

tolerating distress

or have shifted into:

avoiding a problem that needs attention.

Set a check-in point:

“I'll soothe myself for 20 minutes, then reassess.”

Use your prepared Self-Soothing menu.

If you do not have one yet, start with:

• Something comfortable to touch
• Something pleasant to hear
• A quieter or more comfortable environment

Keep the choice simple.

Distraction temporarily moves attention away from distress.

You might:

• Watch something
• Do a task
• Play a game
• Count

Self-Soothing deliberately chooses a sensory experience that is:

comforting, pleasant, or nurturing.

An activity can sometimes do both.

Listening to favorite music, for example, may both:

• Redirect attention
• Provide sensory comfort

Both can help you survive a difficult moment without making it worse.

ACCEPTS gives several ways to temporarily move attention away from the crisis.

Self-Soothing asks:

“What can I see, hear, smell, taste, or touch that feels supportive?”

Use whichever approach fits the moment.

IMPROVE includes:

• Imagery
• Meaning
• Prayer
• Relaxation
• One Thing in the Moment
• Vacation
• Encouragement

It gives you a simpler question:

“Which sensory experience might make this moment a little easier?”

Hand on Heart / Compassionate Touch focuses specifically on:

supportive self-touch.

Self-Soothing includes:

• Vision
• Hearing
• Smell
• Taste
• Touch

Compassionate Touch can therefore be one option within the touch category.

It focuses on:

getting through the current difficult moment.

Self-Care may involve:

• Sleep
• Health care
• Nutrition
• Relationships
• Responsibilities
• Rest

Some self-care activities are not especially soothing in the moment.

For example, making a medical appointment may be good Self-Care without being relaxing.