Repair Attempts

The term Repair Attempt is most closely associated with the work of John Gottman and colleagues studying conflict in romantic couples.

In that framework, repair includes many different actions that help keep negative interaction from escalating.

Repair Attempts are not one of the formal DBT skill acronyms.

They overlap with several DBT interpersonal skills, including:

• GIVE
• DEAR MAN
• Validation
• FAST
• Mindfulness

They also overlap with:

• Active Listening
• Reflective Listening
• Assertive Communication
• Taking a Time-Out

Gottman's repair research primarily examines romantic and married couples.

The general behaviors involved in repair— slowing down, clarifying, apologizing, validating, and restarting— can also be useful in other close relationships.

But this page should not be read as evidence that every finding from couple research automatically applies identically to:

• Friendships
• Family relationships
• Work relationships

Repair can begin as soon as you notice the conversation changing direction.

Maybe you notice:

• Your tone becoming sharper
• The other person becoming defensive
• You starting to interrupt
• An urge to say something deliberately hurtful

You can intervene early:

“Wait. I'm getting more defensive than I want to be.”

Once both people are highly activated, even a genuine attempt to repair may be difficult to recognize.

That does not mean later repair is useless.

It means that catching escalation earlier may give both people more room to respond.

Suppose you disagree about money.

You might say:

“I don't think either of us is hearing the other very well right now.”

That may reduce the escalation.

The financial disagreement still exists.

Repair makes it easier to return to the issue more constructively.

A joke, hug, apology, or break does not automatically finish the conversation.

If something important remains unresolved, make a plan to return to it.

Repair should help you:

deal with the problem more effectively,

not make the problem permanently disappear from discussion.

If a sentence came out badly, you do not have to defend it forever.

Try:

“That's not how I want to say this. Let me try again.”

Then replace the statement with something closer to what you actually mean.

If what you said was hurtful, acknowledge it.

For example:

“That was unfair. I'm sorry. What I was actually trying to say is...”

Repair includes taking responsibility when responsibility is yours.

Conflict often contains contributions from both people.

Ask:

“What did I do that made this interaction harder?”

Maybe:

• You interrupted
• You raised your voice
• You assumed their intention
• You brought up an unrelated grievance
• You used an unfair generalization

You might say:

“I shouldn't have yelled at you. That part is mine. I still want us to talk about what happened before that.”

Owning your behavior does not require deciding that everything was your fault.

Compare:

“I'm sorry I yelled, but you made me do it.”

with:

“I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't how I wanted to handle it. I also want to talk about what I was reacting to.”

The second keeps:

• Accountability
• The original concern

separate enough that both can be addressed.

You may say:

“I can see why you felt left out when I made the decision without you.”

Or:

“You're right that I changed the plan very late.”

A small amount of genuine validation can shift the tone of a conflict.

You might say:

“I understand why you're frustrated, and I still see the decision differently.”

Repair often works by restoring connection without requiring identical viewpoints.

You may realize that your wording communicated something you did not intend.

Try:

“I can hear how that sounded. That's not what I meant to communicate.”

Then explain more clearly.

Avoid using:

“I didn't mean it, so you shouldn't be upset.”

Your intention matters.

Their experience can matter too.

Try:

“I didn't intend for it to come across that way, and I understand why it hurt.”

Sometimes the repair is simply noticing:

“We're both getting louder.”

Or:

“I think we're starting to argue about five things at once.”

Naming the pattern can make it easier to interrupt it.

Try:

“There are other things we need to discuss too, but can we finish talking about this one first?”

Keeping the conflict narrower can reduce unnecessary escalation.

If you are becoming too activated to:

• Listen
• Think clearly
• Speak respectfully
• Stay on topic

try:

“I need to pause. I don't want to keep talking in the way I am right now.”

When possible, add:

“Can we come back to this after dinner?”

Or:

“I need some time to calm down. Let's talk again tomorrow morning.”

A return plan can distinguish:

taking space

from:

indefinitely avoiding the issue.

During the break, consider:

• Breathing
• Grounding
• Gentle Movement
• TIPP
• Mindfulness
• Present-Moment Focus

The goal is to return with more capacity, not spend the entire break preparing a stronger attack.

A repair may communicate:

“I'm angry, and I'm still on your side.”

Or:

“I don't want this disagreement to turn into us hurting each other.”

This does not resolve the disagreement.

It reminds both people that the conflict and the relationship are not the same thing.

In some relationships, a repair might involve:

• A reassuring smile
• Sitting closer
• A hand offered for connection
• A hug

But physical contact is not automatically soothing.

If the other person does not want touch, respect that.

Repair should not override consent.

If humor is already part of your relationship, a small shared joke can sometimes communicate:

“We are getting way too caught up in this.”

That can create enough space to restart.

Repair humor should not be:

• Mocking
• Humiliating
• Sarcastic
• Dismissive of their feelings

If the joke communicates:

“Your feelings are ridiculous,”

it is unlikely to function as repair.

Humor may be inappropriate when discussing:

• Grief
• Trauma
• Betrayal
• Safety
• Serious wrongdoing

Repair can instead involve:

• Listening
• Responsibility
• Validation
• A sincere apology

During conflict, the other person may make an imperfect attempt to reconnect.

If you are highly upset, you may miss it.

Ask:

“Are they trying to lower the temperature of this conversation?”

Someone may awkwardly say:

“Okay, this is getting stupid.”

That wording may not be ideal.

But if what they mean is:

“I want us to stop escalating,”

you may be able to recognize the attempt and help improve it.

For example:

“I agree we're getting off track. Let's slow down.”

Something is not automatically repair just because it sounds light.

For example:

“Can't you take a joke?”

may dismiss the other person's concern rather than repair it.

Look at whether the action genuinely moves the conversation toward:

• Understanding
• Responsibility
• Reduced escalation
• Reconnection

Try:

“That wasn't fair. Let me say it differently.”

Or:

“I don't like how I just said that.”

Try:

“I'm getting defensive. I want to hear what you're saying.”

Try:

“You're right about that part.”

Or:

“I can see why that bothered you.”

Try:

“We're getting into a lot of other things. Can we return to the original problem?”

Try:

“I'm too worked up to do this well right now. I want to come back to it after I calm down.”

Try:

“I'm frustrated, but I don't want us to turn against each other.”

Or:

“We're disagreeing, and I still care about getting through this together.”

Maybe the conversation ended hours ago and you recognize:

“I handled part of that badly.”

You can return:

“I've been thinking about our argument. I was dismissive when you were trying to explain yourself. I'm sorry.”

Ask:

• Where did the conversation turn?
• What did I contribute?
• What were they trying to communicate?
• What could we do differently next time?

Repair is not only about feeling better.

It can help improve the next interaction.

If you did something that calls for an apology, saying:

“I'm sorry. That was hurtful and I shouldn't have said it.”

can help repair the interaction.

Sometimes neither person did something that requires a formal apology.

The interaction may simply be escalating.

Repair may be:

“We're getting stuck. Can we slow down?”

After serious hurt, repair may also require:

• Listening
• Understanding impact
• Changing behavior
• Rebuilding trust over time

A single:

“Sorry”

does not necessarily finish that process.

Suppose someone repeatedly:

• Breaks the same agreement
• Insults the other person
• Crosses the same boundary

and repeatedly follows with:

“Sorry. Can we move on?”

The relationship may need more than another repair attempt.

It may require:

• Problem Solving
• A behavior change
• Setting Boundaries
• Outside support

Repair means:

“Let's get back to a more workable interaction.”

It does not mean:

“Nothing that happened before this matters anymore.”

You do not need to wait for the other person to go first.

You can notice:

“I'm making this worse.”

and change direction.

If one person repeatedly:

• Attempts repair
• Apologizes
• Listens
• Tries to de-escalate

while the other repeatedly:

• Escalates
• Refuses all repair
• Uses contempt
• Ignores boundaries

the answer may not be:

“Try harder to repair.”

The larger relationship pattern may need attention.

A particular repair may fail because:

• The other person is too activated to receive it
• The wording sounded dismissive
• The timing was poor
• The type of repair did not fit the person
• More accountability is needed first

You may need a different approach.

Instead of hoping the other person notices a subtle signal, try:

“I want to reset how we're talking to each other.”

Or:

“I'm trying to slow this down because I don't want to keep hurting each other.”

Sometimes the effective repair is recognizing:

“We're not able to do this productively right now.”

Pause, regulate, and return later if the conversation still needs to happen.

One person may respond well to:

• Humor
• A direct apology
• Physical affection
• A clear request to restart
• A break

Another person may find the exact same response unhelpful.

Learn what tends to communicate:

genuine repair

in the specific relationship.

During a calm moment, ask:

“When we're arguing, what helps you realize that I'm trying to reconnect?”

And:

“What tends to make things worse?”

Having that conversation before the next conflict may make repair easier to recognize.

If a relationship involves:

• Violence
• Threats
• Coercive control
• Stalking
• Intimidation

the problem is not simply a failure to use enough repair attempts.

Safety may need to take priority over repairing the conversation.

Depending on the situation, you may need to:

• Leave
• End the interaction
• Reduce contact
• Get outside support
• Use workplace or institutional procedures
• Seek emergency help when needed

Repair attempts should never be treated as a requirement to remain in danger.

Choose three phrases that sound natural to you.

One for:

restarting.

Example:

“Let me try that again.”

One for:

slowing down.

Example:

“We're getting too worked up.”

One for:

reconnecting.

Example:

“I don't want us fighting against each other.”

Think about a recent argument.

Ask:

1. When did it begin to escalate?
2. What did I notice in my body?
3. What did I start doing differently?
4. What repair could I have tried at that point?

The goal is to recognize the turning point earlier next time.

Complete:

“One thing I did that made the interaction harder was ______.”

Then:

“What I could do differently next time is ______.”

Focus only on your contribution for this exercise.

That does not mean the other person's contribution does not exist.

Think of something the other person said during a disagreement.

Ask:

• Were they right about one fact?
• Does their emotion make sense?
• Can I understand their concern?
• Did my behavior have an impact I did not intend?

Write one sentence you could genuinely validate.

Take something you said harshly.

Ask:

“What was I actually trying to communicate?”

Rewrite it without:

• Insults
• Character judgments
• Mind reading
• Unnecessary exaggeration

During a calm moment with someone close, each person answers:

• What helps me calm down during conflict?
• What helps me know you're trying to reconnect?
• What makes repair harder for me?
• Do I prefer space, words, humor, or another approach?

Respect differences.

Imagine the other person says:

“I said that badly. Can I start over?”

Instead of immediately continuing your argument, practice:

“Okay. Go ahead.”

You can still disagree afterward.

Practice a phrase that includes both:

the need for space

and:

the intention to return.

Example:

“I need to stop for a while. I still want to work this out. Can we come back to it tonight?”

After a conflict, complete:

1. What happened?
2. What did I feel?
3. What did I contribute?
4. What did the other person seem to need?
5. What still needs repair?
6. What still needs problem solving?

Keep:

repair

and:

resolving the underlying issue

as related but separate tasks.

Repair does not necessarily mean changing your position.

You can say:

“I still disagree, and I don't like how we're talking to each other.”

The disagreement remains.

The way you handle it changes.

Apologize specifically.

For example:

“I'm sorry I called you names. I still disagree with the decision.”

You can take responsibility for one part without agreeing about every part.

You cannot force another person to accept repair.

Consider whether:

• They need more time
• Your repair needs more accountability
• You need to use clearer language
• The relationship has a larger unresolved problem

Give space when appropriate.

Tell them.

Try:

“I know you're trying to lighten things, but joking right now feels dismissive to me.”

A repair that works for one person may not work for another.

You can say:

“I know you're trying to reconnect. I don't want to be touched right now.”

Physical repair attempts still require respect for consent and boundaries.

Learn your early signs.

They might include:

• Tightness in your body
• Speaking faster
• Interrupting
• Repeating the same argument
• Thinking in absolutes
• Wanting to hurt instead of communicate

These can become your cue to repair earlier.

Then repair may be working, but problem solving is missing.

After the interaction is calmer, use:

• Problem Solving
• Negotiation
• DEAR MAN
• Setting Boundaries

to address the underlying issue.

That pattern matters.

You may need a separate conversation about how conflict is handled in the relationship.

A healthy repair process should not depend indefinitely on one person doing all of the:

• Listening
• Apologizing
• De-escalating
• Reconnecting

If you behaved in a way that requires responsibility, an apology may help repair.

Repair may also include:

• Slowing down
• Clarifying
• Validating
• Taking a break
• Restarting
• Communicating connection

even when no apology is required.

Saying:

“I understand why you're upset”

may help reduce escalating conflict.

Repair can also involve:

• Responsibility
• Clarification
• A restart
• A break
• Humor
• Affection

Validation is one especially useful route to repair.

If continuing will make the interaction worse, asking for a break can protect the conversation.

Sometimes a simple:

“Let me start again”

is enough to change direction while continuing the discussion.

GIVE emphasizes:

• Gentleness
• Interest
• Validation
• An easy manner

GIVE can help prevent or repair escalation, but Repair Attempts specifically focus on:

recognizing that the interaction is going off track and doing something to change its direction.

The immediate task is:

reduce escalation and restore enough connection to communicate.

Once the interaction is more workable, you can ask:

“What do we actually do about the problem?”

Many conflicts need both:

repair first, problem solving second.