Opposite Action

Before using Opposite Action, consider using Check the Facts.

Ask whether the emotion makes sense given what you actually know about the situation.

For example, fear may be understandable before an unfamiliar social event, but overwhelming fear that treats the event as physically dangerous may not fit the facts.

If the emotion does not fit the facts, Opposite Action may help reduce its intensity.

An emotion can make sense and still push you toward behavior that will not help.

For example, you may have a legitimate reason to feel angry but recognize that yelling during an important conversation would make it harder to accomplish your goal.

In that situation, changing the action urge may still be useful even though the emotion itself is understandable.

Opposite Action does not mean automatically doing the reverse of every emotion.

Emotions sometimes provide important information.

For example:

• If fear fits the facts because you are actually in danger, move toward safety rather than toward the danger.
• If guilt fits the facts because you harmed someone, repair the harm rather than pretending nothing happened.
• If anger is signaling a genuine problem, effective problem solving or assertiveness may be needed.

The goal is effective action, not mechanically doing the opposite of every impulse.

Identify the behavior your emotion is pushing you toward and deliberately choose behavior that moves in the opposite direction.

If sadness urges you to stay in bed and isolate, the opposite may involve getting up, showering, leaving the room, or contacting someone.

Emotions affect posture, muscle tension, facial expression, movement, and voice.

Acting opposite may include deliberately changing these physical patterns.

For example:

• Unclench your fists
• Relax your shoulders
• Uncross your arms
• Lift your head
• Use a steady voice
• Use Willing Hands or a relaxed Half-Smile

Emotions often pull attention toward information that keeps the emotion going.

Anger may repeatedly focus on an offense. Anxiety may repeatedly imagine danger. Shame may repeatedly focus on perceived flaws.

Opposite Action can include deliberately redirecting attention toward information that supports the opposite response.

One opposite action may not immediately change a strong emotion.

The skill often requires repeatedly choosing the opposite behavior until the emotional intensity begins to decrease.

The purpose is not to force the emotion away. You are changing the behaviors that help maintain it.

Fear often creates an urge to avoid, escape, freeze, or seek repeated reassurance.

When the feared situation is not actually dangerous, Opposite Action generally involves approaching rather than avoiding.

Examples may include:

• Staying in a safe situation instead of immediately leaving
• Starting the conversation you are avoiding
• Attending an event despite anxiety
• Doing a safe activity you have been avoiding because of fear
• Standing upright and breathing steadily rather than shrinking away

Do not use approach behavior when fear is accurately signaling real danger.

Anger may create urges to attack, yell, criticize, threaten, argue, or rehearse what another person did wrong.

When acting on those urges would not be effective, opposite behavior may include:

• Gently stepping back from the confrontation
• Relaxing your hands and jaw
• Lowering your voice
• Trying to understand the other person's perspective
• Responding with measured communication
• Temporarily disengaging rather than escalating

Opposite Action does not require agreeing with someone, abandoning a boundary, or tolerating harmful behavior.

Sadness often creates urges to withdraw, remain inactive, stay in bed, cancel plans, and disengage from enjoyable or meaningful activities.

When withdrawal is increasing the sadness, opposite behavior may include:

• Getting out of bed
• Taking a shower and getting dressed
• Leaving the house
• Moving your body
• Doing one manageable task
• Contacting another person
• Participating in a pleasant or meaningful activity

The action does not need to be large. A small movement toward engagement can still be opposite to withdrawal.

Shame often creates urges to hide, withdraw, cover up, avoid eye contact, or keep something secret.

First determine whether the shame fits the facts.

If your behavior violated your values or genuinely harmed someone, the effective response may involve acknowledging what happened, repairing the harm, apologizing when appropriate, and changing the behavior.

If the shame does not fit the facts, opposite behavior may include:

• Not hiding
• Making appropriate eye contact
• Holding your head upright
• Talking with a safe person about what you feel ashamed of
• Continuing to participate instead of disappearing

Guilt can create urges to apologize repeatedly, punish yourself, make excessive amends, or behave as though you did something wrong.

If the facts show that you did not violate your values or cause the harm you feel responsible for, opposite behavior may include:

• Stopping repeated apologies
• Not taking responsibility for something that was not yours
• Allowing yourself to participate normally
• Keeping an appropriate boundary

If guilt does fit the facts, repair the situation instead of using Opposite Action to avoid responsibility.

Complete the sentence:

“Because I feel ______, I have the urge to ______.”

Examples:

• “Because I feel anxious, I have the urge to cancel.”
• “Because I feel angry, I have the urge to send an angry message.”
• “Because I feel sad, I have the urge to stay in bed.”
• “Because I feel ashamed, I have the urge to avoid everyone.”

Clearly identifying the urge makes it easier to determine what its opposite would be.

Ask:

“If I were moving directly opposite to this urge, what would I actually do?”

The opposite of avoiding a phone call might be making the call.

The opposite of staying in bed might be standing up and getting dressed.

The opposite of attacking someone is not necessarily agreeing with them. It may be speaking calmly and assertively instead.

If the complete opposite action feels overwhelming, identify the smallest behavior that still moves in the opposite direction.

For example:

• Instead of attending an entire event, stay for twenty minutes.
• Instead of completing every chore, complete one.
• Instead of having a long conversation, send one message.
• Instead of exercising for an hour, walk for five minutes.

The important part is moving toward rather than continuing the original avoidance or withdrawal.

Notice what your body is doing while you experience the emotion.

Then deliberately change it.

• Relax your shoulders
• Unclench your hands
• Release your jaw
• Lift your gaze
• Uncross your arms
• Use a steady tone of voice
• Allow your breathing to become slower

Physical behavior is part of acting opposite all the way.

Sometimes the first opposite action is simply not immediately acting on the urge.

If you want to send an angry message, leave it unsent for a period of time.

If you want to cancel because of anxiety, wait before canceling and reconsider after using another skill.

Creating a gap can provide enough time to choose a more deliberate opposite response.

Opposite Action does not guarantee that an emotion will disappear immediately.

Strong emotions may take time to change, particularly when the emotional pattern has been reinforced repeatedly.

Continue the opposite behavior long enough to give the emotional response a chance to shift.

Opposite Action may be less effective when the outward action changes but the rest of the emotional behavior continues.

For example, attending a social event while standing in the corner, avoiding eye contact, repeatedly checking the time, and planning your escape may still reinforce the urge to avoid.

When possible, practice the opposite through your behavior, posture, attention, and participation.

Opposite Action is not intended to convince yourself that a genuine problem does not exist.

If an emotion fits the facts and motivates an effective response, problem solving may be more appropriate.

You can also regulate the intensity of an emotion while still addressing the valid problem underneath it.

Opposite Action does not require pretending you do not feel what you feel.

You can acknowledge:

“I feel afraid”

while also deciding:

“I'm going to attend anyway.”

The emotion is acknowledged while behavior is chosen deliberately.