FAST

You might successfully get what you want and still dislike how you got it.

For example, you might get your way by:

• Lying
• Threatening someone
• Manipulating them
• Abandoning an important value

The objective was achieved, but your self-respect may have paid the price.

You may also lose respect for how you handled an interaction if you:

• Agree to something you strongly oppose
• Say yes when you clearly mean no
• Abandon an important value to avoid disapproval
• Repeatedly treat your own needs as unimportant

FAST helps keep your own position in the conversation.

FAST is not:

“Never give in.”

Sometimes changing your mind, compromising, or prioritizing a relationship is completely consistent with your values.

The question is:

“Am I making this choice deliberately, or abandoning myself only because the situation is uncomfortable?”

The question is:

“What am I trying to accomplish?”

You may want to:

• Make a request
• Say no
• Resolve a practical problem
• Get your point taken seriously

DEAR MAN focuses primarily on that objective.

The question is:

“How do I want this interaction to affect the relationship?”

GIVE focuses on:

• Gentleness
• Interest
• Validation
• An easy manner

The question is:

“How do I want to feel about how I handled myself?”

FAST helps you maintain:

• Fairness
• Appropriate accountability
• Your values
• Honesty

Suppose you need to say no to someone you care about.

You might use:

DEAR MAN to communicate the no effectively.

GIVE because preserving the relationship matters.

FAST so that guilt or pressure does not lead you to abandon your values or misrepresent what you can actually do.

Fairness includes considering:

• The other person's needs
• Their legitimate responsibilities
• What you previously agreed to
• The consequences your choice may have for them
• Whether you are holding them to a standard you do not follow yourself

Self-respect is difficult to maintain if getting what you want repeatedly requires taking advantage of other people.

Fairness also includes:

• Your needs
• Your feelings
• Your limits
• Your time
• Your responsibilities
• Your values

Being fair does not mean:

“Everyone else's needs matter first.”

Ask:

“Would I think this was fair if our roles were reversed?”

Also ask:

“Am I expecting myself to accept something I would never expect another person to accept?”

Both questions matter.

You might understand:

“They really need help.”

and also recognize:

“I am already exhausted and do not have the capacity to provide it.”

One truth does not erase the other.

Fairness does not necessarily mean every situation must be:

fifty-fifty.

People may have different:

• Abilities
• Responsibilities
• Resources
• Needs
• Roles

Ask what is reasonable in the actual situation rather than assuming identical treatment is always fair.

Being fair to yourself does not mean:

“I never have to admit when I caused a problem.”

If you made:

• A mistake
• A commitment you did not keep
• A hurtful choice

fairness may include acknowledging that honestly.

An apology is appropriate when you have:

• Hurt someone
• Broken an agreement
• Made a meaningful mistake
• Acted against your own values

FAST specifically warns against:

over-apologizing.

Appropriate accountability supports self-respect.

Compare:

“I'm so sorry to bother you, and I know I shouldn't ask, but could I have tomorrow off?”

with:

“I'd like to request tomorrow off.”

Making a legitimate request does not automatically mean you have done something wrong.

Instead of:

“Sorry, but I think we should wait.”

you can say:

“I think we should wait.”

Disagreement itself does not require an apology.

You may choose warm language:

“I know this puts you in a difficult position, but I'm not available.”

without treating the existence of your limit as wrongdoing.

Notice whether you say:

• “Sorry to ask...”
• “Sorry to disagree...”
• “Sorry, can I say something?”
• “Sorry, I need help.”

Ask:

“Did I actually do something wrong, or am I trying to make myself smaller before I speak?”

You can communicate:

• Warmth
• Appreciation
• Understanding

without apologizing.

Instead of:

“I'm so sorry I can't help.”

you might say:

“I know you were counting on help. I wish I had capacity, but I don't tonight.”

Suppose you were late and left someone waiting.

You can say:

“I'm sorry I was late. I said I would be here at six, and you were left waiting.”

That apology is consistent with FAST because:

it is truthful and fair.

Compare:

“I'm sorry I'm such a terrible person.”

with:

“I'm sorry I said that. It was hurtful.”

The second identifies the behavior you are taking responsibility for.

For example:

“I'm sorry that I yelled. That wasn't okay. I still want us to talk about what I was angry about.”

Accountability does not require abandoning the underlying issue.

Values might include:

• Honesty
• Kindness
• Reliability
• Fairness
• Loyalty
• Self-respect
• Responsibility
• Independence
• Compassion
• Safety

Ask:

“What kind of person do I want to be in this interaction?”

You may feel pressure to agree because:

• You want approval
• You fear rejection
• You do not want conflict
• You feel guilty

Ask:

“If I say yes, will I be acting against something important to me?”

The pressure can go in the opposite direction too.

You may be tempted to:

• Lie
• Humiliate someone
• Break a promise
• Retaliate

because you are angry or want to win.

FAST asks:

“Is getting this outcome worth acting against what I believe?”

You may value:

honesty

and:

kindness.

Or:

helping others

and:

protecting your health and capacity.

“Stick to your values” does not mean every decision is obvious.

Wise Mind and Assessing Values can help when important values conflict.

Feeling:

“I want to make them feel as bad as I do”

is an urge.

It is not automatically a value.

Ask:

“What matters to me beyond what I feel like doing right now?”

Sticking to your values does not mean refusing to reconsider them.

You may:

• Learn something new
• Recognize a contradiction
• Change your priorities
• Realize an old rule no longer fits

Thoughtful change is different from abandoning a value simply because someone pressures you.

Avoid lying about:

• What happened
• What you agreed to
• What you know
• What you did
• What you intend to do

Self-respect can be difficult to maintain when your interpersonal effectiveness depends on dishonesty.

Instead of saying:

“Sure, I'll definitely get it done,”

when you already know that is unlikely, try:

“I don't think I can finish that by tomorrow. Friday is realistic.”

Be careful with:

“You never help me.”

if the real issue is:

“You've canceled the last three times we planned this.”

The actual facts can be strong enough without making them more extreme.

Sometimes it feels easier to invent:

“I have another appointment”

than to say:

“I'm not available for that.”

When it is safe and appropriate, straightforward communication may better support self-respect.

FAST also cautions against presenting yourself as less capable than you actually are in order to influence another person.

For example:

“There's absolutely no way I could possibly do anything about this.”

may not be truthful if there are options you simply do not want to use.

You can say:

“I could do that, but I'm not willing to take it on.”

when that is more accurate.

Honesty does not require saying every harsh thought that enters your mind.

For example:

“I'm just being honest: you're unbearable.”

combines a judgment with an attack.

A more useful truth might be:

“I'm too frustrated to continue this conversation productively right now.”

Truthfulness and kindness are not opposites.

You are allowed to say:

“I'd rather not discuss that.”

Or:

“That's private.”

You do not need to disclose personal information simply to prove that you are truthful.

Instead of making up an excuse, you may be able to say:

“I don't want to get into the reason, but I'm not available.”

That protects privacy without creating a false story.

Suppose new information shows that you were wrong.

FAST does not require:

“I have to stick to my position or I'll look weak.”

Truthfulness and fairness may instead support:

“You're right. I misunderstood that. I need to change what I said.”

Self-respect does not require being right all the time.

It may include:

• Correcting yourself
• Apologizing appropriately
• Repairing harm
• Learning from feedback

Ask:

“Am I protecting something important, or am I refusing to change because I don't want to feel wrong?”

FAST includes both integrity and honesty.

Ask:

“Does this person have a reasonable reason for asking?”

and:

“Do I genuinely have the capacity or responsibility to say yes?”

You might say:

“I know you were hoping I could help. I'm not available.”

You can acknowledge their disappointment without apologizing for the existence of your limit.

Ask whether saying yes would conflict with:

• An existing commitment
• Your health
• A responsibility
• An important boundary
• Another value

Instead of inventing a fake conflict, say what is true at the level of detail appropriate to the relationship.

For example:

“I already have more commitments than I can manage this week.”

If a request is legitimate, you do not need to begin by implying that you should not have made it.

Instead of:

“I'm really sorry and I know this is probably unreasonable...”

consider:

“I'd like to ask whether the deadline can be moved to Monday.”

Fairness applies to them too.

You can respect yourself enough to ask clearly while respecting their ability to respond honestly.

DEAR MAN can help when the request needs more structure.

During an argument, ask:

“When I think about this tomorrow, what would I like to know about how I handled myself?”

Maybe:

• I told the truth
• I did not retaliate
• I stood up for myself
• I admitted where I was wrong
• I did not abandon an important boundary

If you are about to act against your values, consider:

• Pause Before Reacting
• Time-Out
• STOP → Redirect
• TIPP
• Wise Mind

A temporary pause may help you return to the interaction in a way that fits who you want to be.

FAST does not require suppressing anger.

You can say:

“I'm angry about what happened.”

while still being:

• Fair
• Truthful
• Consistent with your values

You may think:

“Who am I to ask for anything?”

Or:

“After what I did, I don't deserve to have boundaries.”

FAST asks you to evaluate the current situation fairly rather than allowing a global judgment about yourself to make the decision.

You may have made a real mistake and still say:

“I was wrong and I apologized. I still need us to speak respectfully while we work through it.”

Taking responsibility does not require accepting unlimited punishment or disrespect.

Ask:

• Did I actually violate a value?
• Did I harm someone?
• Did I break a responsibility?
• Or am I feeling guilty simply because someone is disappointed?

Check the Facts can help distinguish the two.

You may value:

• Loyalty
• Compassion
• Connection
• Repair

as well as:

• Independence
• Honesty
• Boundaries

FAST and GIVE are not enemies.

The goal is often to protect both as much as reasonably possible.

You may decide that preserving an important relationship is worth being flexible about something that is not a core value.

Or you may decide that staying true to an important value matters more than avoiding conflict.

DBT interpersonal effectiveness involves choosing deliberately among competing goals.

Instead of agreeing to an impossible workload, you might say:

“I can complete the report or presentation by Friday, but I don't think I can finish both to the expected standard. Which should take priority?”

This is:

• Fair
• Direct
• Truthful

Instead of:

“Sorry to bother you, but could you explain which deadline you meant?”

you might simply say:

“Could you clarify which deadline applies?”

A supervisor, instructor, or institution may have legitimate authority over some decisions.

FAST does not mean:

“My preference overrides every role or requirement.”

Fairness includes the actual context and responsibilities.

Someone may respond to your boundary by saying:

“You're selfish.”

FAST helps you ask:

• Is the boundary fair?
• Am I over-apologizing for it?
• Does it fit my values?
• Am I being truthful about why I need it?

If the answer still supports the boundary, their disagreement alone does not require you to remove it.

Self-respect does not mean automatically defending every limit you have ever set.

If honest reflection shows that a boundary is:

• Unfair
• Inconsistent with your values
• Based on inaccurate information

changing it may be the more self-respecting choice.

If someone is:

• Violent
• Threatening
• Coercive
• Stalking
• Highly controlling

openly challenging them may increase danger.

Protecting yourself may be more important than demonstrating interpersonal assertiveness.

Sometimes you may choose not to disclose:

• Your full opinion
• A personal detail
• A plan to leave

because of safety or a serious power imbalance.

Truthfulness does not require putting yourself in danger.

When possible, avoid unnecessary deception, but prioritize safety in dangerous situations.

Before an important interaction, answer:

Fair:
Am I being fair to both people?

Apologies:
Is there something I actually need to apologize for?

Stick to values:
What values do I want my behavior to reflect?

Truthful:
What is the most honest way to describe my position?

Start with:

“I'm sorry, but I can't come tonight.”

Ask:

“Did I actually do something wrong?”

If not, try:

“I can't come tonight, but I hope you have a good time.”

Keep warmth without automatically treating your limit as an offense.

For each apology, ask:

1. What exactly did I do?
2. Did it cause harm or violate an agreement?
3. What part is actually mine?
4. What would a proportionate apology sound like?

Apologize for what actually needs repair.

Do not expand it into a global apology for who you are.

Choose two or three values you want to guide an upcoming interaction.

For example:

• Honest
• Fair
• Compassionate

Ask:

“What would those values look like in my actual behavior?”

Maybe:

• Tell the truth about my capacity
• Listen to their concern
• Do not promise something I cannot do

Write:

“What I feel like doing right now is ______.”

Then:

“What matters to me about how I handle this is ______.”

Compare the answers.

Sometimes they match.

Sometimes they do not.

Review what you plan to say.

Ask:

• Am I exaggerating?
• Am I minimizing?
• Am I inventing a reason?
• Am I pretending to be unable when I mean unwilling?
• Am I making a promise I probably cannot keep?

Rewrite the message more accurately.

Notice when you say:

“I can't.”

Ask whether you mean:

“It is impossible.”

or:

“I am not willing to do that.”

When safe and appropriate, use the more accurate statement.

Divide a page into two columns.

On one side:

“What is fair to the other person?”

On the other:

“What is fair to me?”

Look for an answer that does not erase either side.

Before acting, imagine thinking back on this interaction tomorrow.

Ask:

“Which choice would I be most able to respect, even if the outcome isn't exactly what I want?”

This is not a perfect decision rule.

It can help bring self-respect back into awareness.

Think of one upcoming interaction.

Ask:

DEAR MAN:
What is my objective?

GIVE:
What matters about the relationship?

FAST:
What do I need to do to respect how I handled myself?

Decide how you want to balance all three.

After an important interaction, ask:

1. Was I fair to myself?
2. Was I fair to the other person?
3. Did I apologize appropriately rather than automatically?
4. Did my behavior fit my values?
5. Was I truthful?
6. Did I exaggerate or minimize?
7. Did I respect myself afterward?
8. What would I do differently next time?

Use the answers to learn, not to demand perfect interpersonal behavior.

Replace unnecessary apology with:

• Warmth
• Appreciation
• Validation

For example:

“Thanks for thinking of me. I'm not available.”

You can be courteous without apologizing for every limit.

Then apologize.

FAST does not advise avoiding appropriate accountability.

Be:

• Specific
• Truthful
• Proportionate

about what you did.

Return to:

Be Fair.

Ask:

“What would fairness look like if my needs were also part of the equation?”

FAST does not put your needs automatically first either.

Ask:

• What have I agreed to?
• What responsibility is mine?
• What impact does my choice have on them?
• Am I taking advantage of them?

Self-respect includes how you treat other people.

Ask:

“What qualities do I want my behavior to represent here?”

You can also use:

• Assessing Values
• Values-Based Action
• Wise Mind
• Self-Reflection

That is normal.

Ask:

• Which value is most relevant here?
• Can I honor both partly?
• What are the consequences of prioritizing each one?
• What choice best fits the whole situation?

Wise Mind may help integrate competing considerations.

Ask whether you can be:

honest and kind.

You may not need to say every detail.

For example:

“I don't think I'm the right person to take this on.”

may communicate the necessary truth without adding unnecessary criticism.

Practice a simple, truthful refusal:

“I'm not available.”

Or:

“I'm not able to take that on.”

You do not necessarily owe every detail behind the decision.

Values-based behavior does not guarantee a preferred outcome.

Another person may:

• Disagree
• Become angry
• End the conversation
• Refuse your request

Review whether your behavior was:

• Fair
• Consistent with your values
• Truthful

separately from whether you controlled the outcome.

Return to:

Be Fair.

Ask:

“Is this genuinely about a value, or am I treating every preference as non-negotiable?”

Negotiation and flexibility can also be consistent with self-respect.

The question is:

“How do I effectively get, request, refuse, or accomplish what matters here?”

The question is:

“How do I pursue this objective without behaving in a way that violates my own standards?”

You can often use both skills at the same time.

GIVE asks:

“How can I handle this interaction in a way that supports the relationship?”

FAST asks:

“What do I need to do so that I respect how I handled myself?”

These priorities can usually work together, but sometimes one may need greater emphasis.

It helps you express:

• Your needs
• Your opinions
• Your requests
• Your boundaries

clearly and respectfully.

It reminds you to ask:

• Am I fair?
• Am I apologizing unnecessarily?
• Am I abandoning an important value?
• Am I being truthful?

Assertiveness can be one way of putting FAST into action.

Values-Based Action is an ACT-based skill for choosing actions that move in the direction of what matters to you.

It can apply to almost any area of life.

FAST asks you not to abandon important values merely to:

• Get your way
• Avoid conflict
• Gain approval

Values are one part of the larger FAST skill.

You might recognize:

“It makes sense that I'm nervous about saying no.”

You might then ask:

“Given that I'm nervous, how do I want to handle myself anyway?”

The two skills can work together.