DBT Emotion-Regulation Skill
Emotional Validation
What Is Emotional Validation?
Validation means recognizing that an emotional response is understandable when you consider the circumstances, experiences, needs, beliefs, or information available to the person experiencing it.
An emotion does not need to be perfectly accurate, proportionate, or convenient in order to be understandable. Emotions usually come from somewhere.
Emotional validation involves trying to understand that context instead of immediately dismissing, correcting, criticizing, or arguing with the emotion.
Validation does not require agreement. You can validate someone's fear while believing the situation is safe, validate someone's anger while disagreeing with their interpretation, or validate your own shame while recognizing that you did not actually do anything wrong.
Try This Now
Make Sense of the Emotion
- Name the emotion you are experiencing.
- Ask: “What happened that might help explain why I feel this way?”
- Consider your expectations, past experiences, needs, values, and current circumstances.
- Complete the sentence: “It makes sense that I feel ______ because ______.”
- Notice whether your mind immediately adds criticism, such as: “But I shouldn't feel this way.”
- Return to the simpler statement: “This is the emotion I am having, and there is a reason it showed up.”
You can validate the emotion first and decide what to do about it afterward.
Understanding Emotional Validation
Validation Is Not Agreement
Validating an emotion does not mean agreeing with every conclusion connected to it.
For example, someone might say:
“They haven't answered my message. They obviously don't care about me.”
You can validate the emotion:
“I can understand why not hearing back would leave you feeling anxious and hurt.”
without agreeing:
“Yes, that proves they don't care about you.”
Validation Is Not Approval
An emotion and the behavior that follows from it are different things.
You can understand why someone became angry without approving of yelling, threatening, insulting, or hurting someone.
You can say:
“I understand why you were angry.”
and also:
“The way you spoke to me was not okay.”
Both statements can be true at the same time.
Validation Does Not Mean the Emotion Fits the Facts
An emotion can make sense based on a person's experiences or interpretation even when the emotion does not fully fit the current facts.
For example, someone who has experienced repeated rejection may feel intense fear when a friend does not immediately respond.
The fear can be understandable given that person's history even if the unanswered message does not actually mean rejection is happening now.
Validation can come first. Checking the facts can come afterward.
Validation Is Not the Same as Fixing
When someone is distressed, it can be tempting to immediately offer solutions.
Sometimes problem solving is useful. Other times, the person first needs to feel understood.
Compare:
“Here's what you need to do.”
with:
“That sounds really disappointing. I can see why you're upset.”
Validation and problem solving are not opposites. The order can matter.
Two Things Can Be True
Validation often requires holding more than one truth at the same time.
For example:
- “It makes sense that I'm afraid, and I may still be safe.”
- “I understand why I'm angry, and acting on that anger may make things worse.”
- “I feel ashamed, and that does not necessarily mean I did something shameful.”
- “I'm disappointed, and I can still move forward.”
Validation allows the emotion to be acknowledged without requiring it to determine what happens next.
Validating Your Own Emotions
Emotional validation can be directed toward yourself as well as toward other people.
Self-validation does not require convincing yourself that everything you think is correct. It means acknowledging your internal experience without immediately attacking yourself for having it.
Name What You Feel
Start with a simple description:
“I'm feeling anxious.”
or:
“I'm noticing anger.”
Naming the emotion is different from judging it.
Compare:
“I'm feeling anxious.”
with:
“I'm being ridiculous again.”
Identify Why It Makes Sense
Ask what makes the emotion understandable.
Possible factors include:
- What just happened
- Previous experiences
- Uncertainty
- Something important to you
- A need that is not being met
- Physical exhaustion or stress
- A fear of what might happen
You are looking for context, not trying to prove that every interpretation is correct.
Replace Judgment With Understanding
Notice language such as:
- “I shouldn't feel this way.”
- “This is stupid.”
- “I'm too sensitive.”
- “I need to get over it.”
- “What's wrong with me?”
Try replacing it with:
- “This is what I'm feeling right now.”
- “Given what happened, I can understand why this feeling showed up.”
- “I don't have to like this emotion to acknowledge it.”
Validate First, Regulate Second
You do not need to argue yourself out of an emotion before using another coping skill.
You might say:
“It makes sense that I'm anxious about this. Now I'm going to Check the Facts.”
or:
“Of course I'm angry. This matters to me. I'm still going to pause before responding.”
Validation and change can occur together.
Validating Someone Else
Pay Attention
Validation begins with attention.
Put aside distractions when possible, listen to what the person is saying, and notice both their words and emotional cues.
Try to understand before deciding how you will respond.
Reflect What You Heard
Briefly reflect the person's experience back to them.
Examples:
- “It sounds like that really hurt.”
- “You were expecting something different and you're disappointed.”
- “It sounds like you're worried about what this means.”
Reflection communicates that you are trying to understand rather than immediately argue.
Look for What Makes Sense
Ask yourself:
“Given what this person experienced, what part of their reaction is understandable?”
You do not need to validate everything.
Find the part that genuinely makes sense.
Put the Emotion in Context
Sometimes an emotional reaction makes more sense when you consider the person's history or current circumstances.
For example:
“Given how many times you've been let down lately, I can understand why this feels especially disappointing.”
This does not mean every conclusion the person reaches must be accepted as fact.
Be Genuine
Validation works best when it is sincere.
You do not need elaborate language.
Sometimes:
“Yeah, I can understand why that upset you.”
is more effective than a lengthy explanation.
Do not claim to understand something that you genuinely do not understand. You can instead say:
“I want to understand. Can you tell me more about what made that so upsetting?”
Validation and Boundaries
Validation does not require giving another person what they want or abandoning your own limits.
Validate the Emotion, Keep the Boundary
Both validation and a boundary can exist in the same response.
For example:
“I understand that you're angry with me. I'm willing to talk about it, but I'm not willing to be yelled at.”
The first part acknowledges the emotion. The second communicates the boundary.
Validate Without Changing Your Answer
Someone can be disappointed by your decision without that meaning your decision must change.
For example:
“I understand why you're disappointed. My answer is still no.”
Acknowledging another person's emotion does not create an obligation to remove that emotion.
Validate Without Taking Responsibility for Everything
You can acknowledge someone's pain without assuming responsibility for every feeling they experience.
For example:
“I can see that you're hurt by what happened.”
does not automatically mean:
“Everything about this is my fault.”
Common Forms of Invalidation
Telling Someone How They Should Feel
Examples include:
- “You shouldn't be upset about that.”
- “There's nothing to be afraid of.”
- “You should be happy.”
- “You have no reason to feel guilty.”
Even when intended as reassurance, these responses can communicate that the person's actual emotional experience is wrong or unacceptable.
Minimizing
Minimizing makes an experience seem unimportant.
Examples include:
- “It's not a big deal.”
- “You're overreacting.”
- “Other people have it worse.”
- “Just let it go.”
The fact that another problem may be larger does not automatically make the current emotion disappear.
Immediately Correcting the Facts
Sometimes factual correction is needed, but beginning there can make a person feel unheard.
Compare:
“That's not what happened.”
with:
“I can understand why you felt hurt by that. I remember part of the situation differently, though.”
Validation does not prevent disagreement.
Jumping Straight to Advice
Advice can sometimes be useful, but it may not be what the person needs first.
Before solving the problem, consider asking:
“Do you want help figuring out what to do, or do you mostly need me to listen right now?”
Using “But” to Cancel the Validation
Compare:
“I understand that you're upset, but you're overreacting.”
with:
“I understand that you're upset. I also think we may be interpreting the situation differently.”
The second response allows both ideas to exist instead of making the validation feel immediately withdrawn.
Exercises & Applications
Complete the Validation Sentence
Complete:
“It makes sense that I feel ______ because ______.”
Try to fill in the second blank with context rather than criticism.
For example:
“It makes sense that I feel disappointed because I was really looking forward to this.”
Separate Emotion From Behavior
Write down:
Emotion: What am I feeling?
Action urge: What does the emotion make me want to do?
Validation: Why does the emotion make sense?
Choice: Do I want to act on the urge?
This allows you to validate the emotion without automatically following it.
Validate Before Problem Solving
When someone brings you a problem, try giving one validating response before offering advice.
For example:
“That sounds exhausting. You've been dealing with this for a while.”
Then ask:
“Do you want to think through what to do next?”
Find the Valid Part
When you strongly disagree with someone, look for the part of their experience you can genuinely validate.
Perhaps you cannot agree:
“You treated me terribly.”
but you can recognize:
“I can understand why you were disappointed when I canceled.”
Validation does not have to be all or nothing.
Related Skills
- Self-Validation — validating your own internal experience without relying entirely on others to confirm it.
- Check the Facts — examining whether interpretations and emotional intensity fit the available facts.
- Active Listening — giving another person your attention and trying to accurately understand what they are communicating.
- Reflective Listening — reflecting your understanding back to another person.
- GIVE — DBT interpersonal skills for maintaining relationships while communicating effectively.
- Setting Boundaries — acknowledging another person's feelings while still protecting your own limits.
Tips for Practice
- Validate the emotion before deciding whether the interpretation behind it is accurate.
- Remember that understanding an emotion does not require approving of a behavior.
- Look for what genuinely makes sense rather than offering validation you do not believe.
- Avoid immediately following validation with criticism that cancels it out.
- When someone is upset, ask whether they want listening, validation, advice, or problem solving.
- Practice validating emotions you find uncomfortable, including anger, jealousy, shame, and fear.
- Remember that you can validate another person's emotion while maintaining a boundary or disagreeing with their conclusion.