DEAR MAN

Before deciding what to say, ask:

“What specific outcome am I hoping for?”

Maybe you want:

• An answer
• A change in behavior
• Help with something
• Permission
• A refund
• More information
• Someone to stop doing something
• To maintain your no

A clear objective makes it easier to build the conversation around what actually matters.

You may have:

• Several frustrations
• Old arguments
• Strong emotions
• Questions about the relationship

but only one immediate objective.

For example:

“My goal in this conversation is to agree on who will pick up the kids tomorrow.”

That does not mean the other issues do not matter.

It means you are choosing what this particular conversation needs to accomplish.

In an interpersonal situation, you may care about:

1. The objective:
   What do I want to accomplish?
2. The relationship:
   How do I want this interaction to affect our relationship?
3. Self-respect:
   How do I want to feel about how I handled myself?

DEAR MAN focuses primarily on the first:

getting the objective as effectively as possible.

DEAR MAN does not mean the relationship or your self-respect stop mattering.

DBT provides:

GIVE for relationship effectiveness.

FAST for self-respect effectiveness.

In real conversations, you may use elements of all three.

Sometimes getting the concrete outcome matters most.

Sometimes preserving an important relationship matters more.

Sometimes maintaining your values or self-respect matters most.

Ask:

“If I cannot maximize all three, what matters most in this situation?”

Begin with what actually happened.

Try to describe something both people could potentially recognize.

Example:

“We agreed that the report would be finished by Friday, and it hasn't been submitted yet.”

This gives the conversation a concrete starting point.

Instead of:

“You're irresponsible.”

try:

“The last two payments were made after the due date.”

A specific behavior gives you something to address.

A global label often creates a separate argument about the person's character.

Compare:

“You ignored me.”

with:

“I sent two messages yesterday and didn't receive a response.”

“Ignored me” may be your interpretation of why there was no response.

The unanswered messages are the observable event.

Avoid:

“You did that because you don't respect me.”

unless the other person has actually told you that was their reason.

Try:

“The decision was made without asking me first.”

You can discuss intentions later if they matter.

You usually do not need to present the complete history of the relationship.

Ask:

“Which facts does the other person actually need in order to understand this request?”

Express your:

• Feelings
• Opinions
• Concerns
• Perspective

Example:

“I'm worried that I won't have enough time to finish both assignments.”

Or:

“I think this schedule is going to be difficult to maintain.”

Something may feel completely obvious to you while the other person does not understand why it matters.

Give them the information they need.

For example:

“I'm concerned about getting home this late because I have to be up very early tomorrow.”

Instead of:

“I feel like you're completely selfish.”

try:

“I'm frustrated because I've been handling most of this on my own.”

“I” Statements can help with this.

Saying:

“I'm really overwhelmed.”

tells the person how you feel.

It does not necessarily tell them what you want them to do.

That comes next.

Say what you are requesting.

For example:

“Could you take the dog out tonight?”

Or:

“I'd like the deadline moved to Monday.”

Make it possible for the other person to know what you are actually asking.

Assert can also mean:

“No, I'm not able to do that.”

You do not need to disguise a no as:

“Maybe... I'll try... we'll see...”

when you already know the answer is no.

Compare:

“The trash is really full.”

with:

“Could you take the trash out?”

The first may be a hint.

The second is a request.

Assertiveness does not require:

“Do this because I said so.”

When the other person has a legitimate choice, a request allows them to respond.

You may still be:

direct, firm, and persistent.

Instead of:

“I need you to care more.”

ask what behavior would demonstrate the change you need.

Maybe:

“When I'm telling you something important, could you put your phone down until I finish?”

Reinforce means helping the other person understand why responding positively to your request could have a useful outcome.

For example:

“If we choose the schedule tonight, we'll both know what we're responsible for this week.”

Or:

“If I can have one more day, I can give you a much more complete report.”

A useful reinforcement connects the request with something the other person actually values.

Ask:

“Why might this solution also be useful to them?”

If someone responds to your request, acknowledge it.

For example:

“Thanks for working this out with me.”

Or:

“I really appreciate you making time to help with this.”

Avoid inventing benefits you do not believe or making false promises.

The goal is to identify real consequences or benefits of cooperation.

Be truthful about what you are offering.

There is a difference between explaining a realistic consequence:

“If we can't resolve this billing problem here, I'll need to contact the billing department.”

and threatening retaliation:

“Do what I want or I'll make you regret it.”

DEAR MAN is an effectiveness skill, not a tool for intimidation.

During a difficult conversation, ask:

“What am I trying to accomplish here?”

Return to that objective when the conversation starts moving elsewhere.

The broken-record strategy means calmly returning to the same request, refusal, or position.

Example:

You:
“I'm not available Sunday.”

Other person:
“But everyone else has already helped.”

You:
“I understand. I'm still not available Sunday.”

Other person:
“You're making this really difficult.”

You:
“I know it's difficult. I still can't do Sunday.”

You do not need a new argument every time.

Suppose you ask:

“Can you repay the money you borrowed by Friday?”

and the response is:

“You're always so uptight about money.”

You could spend the next twenty minutes debating whether you are uptight.

Or return to:

“We can talk about that separately. Right now I'm asking whether you can repay the money by Friday.”

Mindfulness is not:

“Ignore everything the other person says.”

If they provide:

• New facts
• A legitimate concern
• A safety issue
• A relevant responsibility

listen to it.

The point is to avoid getting pulled away by arguments that do not need to be resolved in order to address your current objective.

You may distract yourself by:

• Bringing up old grievances
• Trying to prove you are right about everything
• Defending every criticism
• Adding new demands

Return to:

“What needs to happen in this conversation?”

The skill is:

Appear Confident

not:

Feel Completely Confident.

You may be:

• Nervous
• Scared
• Uncomfortable
• Unsure how the other person will respond

and still communicate your message clearly.

When possible, aim for:

• A clear voice
• An understandable volume
• A reasonably steady pace
• Direct wording

Try not to erase your own request with:

“I mean, only if you want, and it's probably stupid, and forget I even asked...”

Appearing confident does not mean:

• Acting superior
• Intimidating someone
• Raising your voice to overpower them
• Refusing to listen

Aim for:

clear and steady, not dominant.

Traditional assertiveness teaching often mentions eye contact, but people differ in:

• Culture
• Neurodivergence
• Anxiety
• Comfort with eye contact

The goal is not to perform one specific body-language style.

Find a way to communicate clearly that works for you and the situation.

If your original request does not work, ask:

“Is there another way we can solve this?”

For example:

“I can't cover your whole shift, but I could cover the first two hours.”

You can say:

“The option you're asking for doesn't work for me, and I know you still need a solution. What else do you think could work?”

Negotiation does not require you to generate every solution.

Suppose:

Sunday is unavailable.

You can keep:

“I can't work Sunday.”

while negotiating:

“I could cover Saturday or switch shifts with someone Tuesday.”

Some issues may involve:

• Safety
• Consent
• Important boundaries
• Legal requirements

You do not need to compromise something simply because the conversation has reached the N in DEAR MAN.

Negotiate where there is legitimate room for flexibility.

Your roommate regularly invites people over late at night without telling you, and the noise is interfering with your sleep.

“There have been people over after midnight three nights this week, and I didn't know ahead of time.”

Notice that this describes what happened rather than:

“You're incredibly inconsiderate.”

“I'm exhausted because I've been having trouble sleeping.”

“I'd like us to agree that weeknight guests leave by eleven, and I'd like a heads-up before people come over.”

“If we have a clear agreement, neither of us has to keep arguing about it every week.”

Your roommate says:

“You leave dishes in the sink all the time.”

You might respond:

“I'm willing to talk about the dishes too. Right now I'd like to finish working out the guest issue.”

Say the request clearly enough that it does not disappear underneath:

• Apologizing repeatedly
• Backing away from it
• Insults
• Threats

Your roommate says eleven is too early on Thursday.

You might discuss:

“What about eleven Monday through Wednesday and midnight Thursday, as long as I know beforehand?”

If that still protects what you need, it may be a workable negotiation.

DEAR MAN can also help when another person wants something from you and your answer is no.

The objective becomes:

maintaining the refusal.

Someone asks you to take on an additional responsibility.

Describe:
“I already have three projects due this week.”

Express:
“I'm already stretched beyond what I think I can finish well.”

Assert:
“I can't take on another project this week.”

Reinforce:
“I'd rather be honest about my capacity than agree and miss another deadline.”

Mindful:
Keep returning to the no if pressured.

Appear Confident:
Say it clearly, even if saying no feels uncomfortable.

Negotiate:
“I can't do it this week, but I could help next Tuesday.”

If someone is going to the store, you may simply say:

“Could you grab some milk?”

You probably do not need:

a full description, emotional explanation, and reinforcement.

A fuller DEAR MAN becomes especially useful when:

• The issue matters a lot
• You expect resistance
• You become easily distracted during conflict
• You have trouble asking directly
• You have trouble maintaining a no
• You want to rehearse beforehand

Before the conversation, write one or two lines for:

• Describe
• Express
• Assert
• Reinforce

Then identify:

• What you need to stay mindful of
• What is firm
• What you could negotiate

You do not need to memorize a speech.

Many people can describe the problem for several minutes without ever making the request.

Identify the sentence you most need to be able to say.

For example:

“I need Friday off.”

Or:

“I'm not willing to continue paying for both accounts.”

Practice that sentence until you can find it when the conversation becomes stressful.

If the conversation keeps going off track, you can use DEAR MAN on the interaction itself.

For example:

“I've answered no several times, and you keep asking the same question.”

You might say:

“I'm getting frustrated because I don't feel like my answer is being accepted.”

For example:

“I've made my decision, and I need us to stop discussing this tonight.”

Sometimes the effective move is to:

• Pause the discussion
• Return later
• Move to another communication format
• End an interaction that is no longer productive

Staying effective does not require staying in an endless argument.

You can pursue your objective while also:

• Being respectful
• Showing interest in their perspective
• Validating what makes sense
• Using warmth or humor when appropriate

These are areas covered more directly by GIVE.

You may decide:

“Getting exactly what I want is less important than protecting this relationship.”

That may lead you to negotiate more or lower the intensity of the request.

That is not necessarily a failure of DEAR MAN.

It is choosing among interpersonal priorities.

You may be able to get what you want by:

• Lying
• Manipulating
• Making promises you will not keep
• Abandoning an important value

but still decide that the price is too high.

FAST helps keep self-respect in view.

Compare:

“I'm so sorry and I know this is stupid and you probably shouldn't have to deal with me, but could I possibly ask you something?”

with:

“Could I ask you for some help with this?”

If an apology is actually appropriate, apologize.

You do not need to apologize merely for having a legitimate interpersonal need.

Describe:
“I currently have the report and presentation both due Friday.”

Express:
“I don't think I can complete both to the expected standard by that deadline.”

Assert:
“I need help deciding which one should take priority.”

Reinforce:
“That will let me focus on completing the highest-priority work well.”

Stay focused on the workload issue, communicate clearly, and negotiate priorities if there is flexibility.

A conversation with:

• A supervisor
• An instructor
• An institution

may involve limits on what the other person can or will change.

DEAR MAN helps you communicate effectively.

It does not guarantee that you have authority over the final decision.

A partner, friend, or family member may know you very well and still not know exactly what you need.

Instead of:

“They should know.”

ask:

“Have I actually told them clearly?”

After making your request, listen to the response.

Active Listening, Reflective Listening, and Validation can help you understand what the request is like for them.

Then return to your objective as needed.

For example:

“The invoice shows that I was charged twice for the same service. I'm concerned because both charges have posted to my account. Please reverse the duplicate charge. I'd appreciate getting this resolved without having to dispute the charge with my bank.”

The message includes:

• Relevant facts
• Your concern
• A specific request
• A reason to resolve the problem

Before sending a long email or text during conflict, ask:

“What is my objective?”

Remove material that does not help accomplish that goal unless it truly needs to be addressed now.

You can make:

• A reasonable request
• A clear request
• A respectful request

and still receive:

“No.”

The other person still has:

• Their own needs
• Their own limits
• Their own authority
• Their own choices

Afterward, ask:

• Was my objective clear?
• Did I make the request or refusal directly?
• Did I stay focused?
• Did I listen to relevant information?
• Did I negotiate where appropriate?

A disappointing outcome does not automatically mean you used the skill poorly.

If another person is:

• Violent
• Threatening
• Coercive
• Stalking
• Highly controlling

a direct confrontation may increase risk.

DEAR MAN is not a requirement to confront someone in a dangerous situation.

Depending on the situation, the effective action may involve:

• Leaving
• Reducing contact
• Getting support
• Using workplace or institutional channels
• Seeking emergency assistance when needed

Interpersonal effectiveness includes considering the actual consequences of the interaction.

Pick one real request.

Write one sentence for each:

Describe:
What happened?

Express:
How does it affect me?

Assert:
What exactly am I asking for?

Reinforce:
Why would cooperation be useful?

Keep each part short.

Take:

“I'm exhausted. I've been doing everything around here all week.”

Ask:

“What do I actually want the other person to do?”

Add:

“Could you handle dinner tonight?”

Write the situation without:

• Mind reading
• Character labels
• “Always” or “never” unless literally accurate
• Judgments

Ask:

“What could an outside observer have seen or heard?”

Choose one short request or refusal.

Example:

“I'm not available Friday.”

Imagine several responses:

• “But I really need you.”
• “You've helped before.”
• “Why are you being difficult?”

Practice returning to your position:

“I understand. I'm still not available Friday.”

Think about a difficult interaction.

Write:

“My objective is ______.”

Then list topics that might pull you away from that objective.

Prepare one phrase:

“I'm willing to talk about that later. Right now I want to finish discussing ______.”

Before negotiating, divide the situation into:

Firm:
What am I not willing or able to change?

Flexible:
What matters, but could change?

Open:
What do I have little preference about?

This helps make the N in DEAR MAN deliberate rather than impulsive.

Complete:

“I can't ______. I could ______ instead.”

Example:

“I can't lend you the money. I can help you look at other options.”

Notice that the alternative does not erase the no.

Do not rehearse only your opening statement.

Imagine the other person says:

• No
• Why?
• That's unfair
• You always do this
• What about this other issue?

Practice staying mindful and returning to the objective.

Practice DEAR MAN before you need it for your hardest conversation.

Try:

• Making a small request
• Returning an incorrect order
• Asking someone to change a minor plan
• Declining a small request

Build familiarity with the structure.

Afterward, ask:

1. What was my objective?
2. Did I describe the relevant facts?
3. Did I express what mattered?
4. Did I actually make the request or say no?
5. Did I explain a useful reason for cooperation?
6. Did I stay focused?
7. Did my delivery support my message?
8. Did I negotiate where appropriate?
9. How did the interaction affect the relationship?
10. How did I feel about how I handled myself?

Use the review to improve future attempts, not to demand a perfect performance.

Go directly to the Assert step.

Ask:

“If they understood everything I just explained, what would I want them to do?”

Say that clearly.

Direct does not automatically mean demanding.

Compare:

“Could you please send me the document by Thursday?”

with:

“Send it by Thursday or else.”

Clear requests can still leave room for the other person's response.

Shorten the D and E.

Ask:

“What facts and explanation does this person actually need?”

Then get to Assert.

Before the conversation, write your objective in one sentence.

When criticism starts, mentally return to:

“What am I here to accomplish?”

Decide whether the criticism needs to be addressed now or later.

Try broken-record practice.

You do not need to win a debate proving that your reason is sufficient.

Calmly return to:

“I'm still not able to do that.”

You do not need to wait until you feel fearless.

Focus on:

• Knowing your main sentence
• Speaking clearly enough to be understood
• Not automatically withdrawing the request

Confidence can develop through practice.

Decide what the no means.

Ask:

• Is there room to negotiate?
• Do they have legitimate authority to refuse?
• Do I need more information?
• Should I maintain the request?
• Is another solution possible?

DEAR MAN helps you pursue an objective.

It does not guarantee that every objective can be achieved.

Use judgment.

Staying mindful may mean calmly repeating your legitimate request.

It does not mean another person's no never matters.

Consider:

• Whether they have the right to refuse
• How important the objective is
• Whether negotiation is possible
• Whether continued pressure would become coercive

Slow down before negotiating.

Ask:

“What am I genuinely willing to offer?”

You can say:

“I need some time before I agree to that.”

Negotiation should not require making a commitment you do not intend to keep.

Name the objective again.

Try:

“There are several things we probably need to discuss. Right now I'm trying to figure out ______.”

Make a plan for the other issues if they genuinely need attention.

DEAR MAN requires enough regulation to stay focused.

Consider using:

• STOP → Redirect
• TIPP
• Pause Before Reacting
• Time-Out
• Breathing
• Wise Mind

then returning to the interpersonal problem when possible.

Assertiveness means communicating your needs, opinions, requests, or limits clearly and respectfully.

DEAR MAN organizes assertive behavior into:

Describe → Express → Assert → Reinforce

while also helping you:

stay mindful, communicate confidently, and negotiate.

Use the broader Assertive Communication skill for everyday communication.

Use DEAR MAN when more structure would help.

They can help during the Express step.

For example:

“I feel overwhelmed when the schedule changes this late.”

It goes beyond expressing your experience by helping you:

• Make the request
• Explain useful consequences
• Stay focused
• Maintain your position
• Negotiate

For example:

“I am not willing to continue a conversation where I'm being insulted.”

You can use the DEAR MAN structure to explain:

• What is happening
• How it affects you
• What needs to stop or change
• What will happen next

The boundary defines the limit.

DEAR MAN helps communicate it.

The N in DEAR MAN becomes especially important when your first request and the other person's response do not match.

Negotiation includes:

• Identifying underlying needs
• Separating firm from flexible
• Generating alternatives
• Making agreements specific

DEAR MAN includes negotiation within the larger communication process.

The central question is:

“How can I effectively ask for, refuse, or accomplish what matters here?”

GIVE focuses more on how you interact when maintaining or strengthening the relationship matters.

You can often use both skills in the same conversation.

For example:

getting a request addressed or maintaining a refusal.

FAST asks whether you are handling the interaction in a way that protects:

• Your values
• Your fairness
• Your honesty
• Your self-respect

Sometimes getting exactly what you want is less important than how you get it.