Control / Some Control / No Control

These are things you can directly choose or change.

Examples may include:

• What you say
• Whether you send a message
• Whether you ask for help
• How you prepare
• Whether you set a boundary
• What coping skill you use
• Whether you take the next step
• How you spend part of your time
• Whether you apologize for something you did
• Whether you gather more information

These are usually the best places to start taking action.

Many situations fall in the middle.

You can affect what happens, but you cannot guarantee the outcome.

For example:

• You can ask someone to change a behavior, but they decide whether they will.
• You can prepare carefully for an interview, but you cannot guarantee that you will get the job.
• You can communicate clearly during a conflict, but you cannot control how the other person responds.
• You can follow a treatment or self-care plan, but you may not control exactly how quickly you feel better.
• You can apply for something, but someone else may make the final decision.

In this category, focus on giving yourself the best reasonable chance of the outcome you want while accepting that the final result is not entirely yours to decide.

These are parts of reality you cannot change through your actions right now.

Examples may include:

• Something that already happened
• Another person's private thoughts
• Another person's feelings
• Another person's final decision
• The weather
• Traffic that you are already sitting in
• How long ago something happened
• Whether everyone approves of you
• Exactly what will happen in the future
• The fact that uncertainty exists

No Control does not mean you have to like the situation.

It means continued attempts to control that particular part are unlikely to change it.

You can influence another person without controlling them.

For example, you can:

• Make a clear request
• Explain how something affects you
• Offer information
• Set a boundary
• Negotiate

But you cannot guarantee what the other person will decide.

Recognizing this difference can help you put energy into communicating effectively without taking responsibility for the other person's final choice.

You may control how much preparation or effort you put into something without controlling the final result.

For example:

“I can study for the exam. I cannot guarantee the exact questions or my exact score.”

This helps shift the goal from controlling the result toward doing what is reasonably within your power.

Something does not have to be completely controllable before action is worthwhile.

If you can improve the odds, reduce a problem, communicate your needs, or make part of the situation easier, that may still be meaningful.

The goal is not:

“Can I guarantee success?”

but:

“Is there something useful I can do?”

When something is within your control, identify the next useful action.

Ask:

• What can I do?
• What is the first step?
• Can I do it now?
• If not, when will I do it?

This is where Problem Solving can be especially useful.

Identify what belongs to you and what does not.

For example:

“I control whether I make the request. I do not control whether they say yes.”

Do your part as effectively as you can, then allow the remaining outcome to belong where it belongs.

When nothing can be done to change a particular fact right now, continued problem solving may only keep you stuck.

The next question becomes:

“How do I want to cope with the fact that this is outside my control?”

Skills that may help include:

• Radical Acceptance
• Turning the Mind
• Mindfulness
• Present-Moment Focus
• Self-Compassion
• Grounding
• IMPROVE

Imagine you are waiting to hear whether you were accepted for something important.

Control:

• Make sure you submitted everything required.
• Check that your contact information is correct.
• Respond if additional information is requested.
• Decide how often you will check for updates.

Some Control:

• You may be able to send an appropriate follow-up.
• Your application or preparation may influence the decision.

No Control:

• Who else applied
• The final decision
• Exactly when the decision is made
• How the decision-maker thinks about each applicant

Once you have done what is reasonably within your control, repeatedly worrying about the final decision does not give you more influence over it.

At that point, the task changes from solving to coping with waiting and uncertainty.

Consider a disagreement with someone important to you.

You may control:

• Your tone
• Your words
• Whether you listen
• Whether you apologize for your part
• Whether you state a boundary
• Whether you take a break before responding

You may have some influence over:

• Whether the conversation becomes calmer
• Whether the other person understands your position
• Whether a compromise is reached

You do not control:

• The other person's emotions
• Their private thoughts
• Whether they agree with you
• Whether they apologize
• Their ultimate choices

This distinction can help you take responsibility for your side of a relationship without taking responsibility for both sides.

When a worry repeats, ask:

“Is there something practical I can do about this?”

If yes:

• Identify the action.
• Do it now if possible.
• If it cannot be done now, schedule it.

If no:

Notice that continuing to think about the problem is not the same thing as taking useful action.

Shift toward acceptance, present-moment attention, or another coping strategy.

Sometimes worry is an attempt to achieve certainty about something that cannot be known yet.

You may repeatedly ask:

• “What if this happens?”
• “How do I know everything will be okay?”
• “What if I make the wrong choice?”

Planning can be useful.

But no amount of planning can remove all uncertainty.

Ask:

“Have I done what is reasonable, or am I trying to get a guarantee that does not exist?”

Divide a page into three columns:

1. Control
2. Some Control
3. No Control

Break the situation into individual pieces and place each one in the best-fitting column.

Do not worry about making every item perfect. The goal is to clarify where action is most useful.

Look at each item under Control and ask:

“What action does this suggest?”

For example:

Worry: “I'm worried I won't be prepared.”

Control: “I can prepare.”

Action: “I will spend 30 minutes preparing tonight.”

Try completing:

“I cannot control ______, but I can control ______.”

For example:

“I cannot control how they react, but I can control how clearly I communicate.”

Control can change over time.

Something that is outside your control today may become actionable later.

For example, while waiting for an office to open, there may be nothing you can do.

Once it opens, making a phone call becomes an action within your control.

Reassess when circumstances change.

Feeling powerless can make it seem as though nothing you do matters.

Look for small areas of influence:

• Can I ask a question?
• Can I prepare?
• Can I make a request?
• Can I choose how I respond?
• Can I get support?

Small choices still count.

The opposite problem is taking responsibility for outcomes you cannot guarantee.

Ask:

“Could I do everything reasonably well and still not get the outcome I want?”

If yes, the result probably belongs at least partly in Some Control rather than Control.

Accepting that something is outside your control does not mean it is unimportant.

You can care deeply and still recognize:

“My worrying does not give me control over this.”

You can communicate thoughtfully and treat people well.

You cannot guarantee that another person will never feel disappointed, angry, hurt, or frustrated.

Sometimes acting according to your values means allowing another person to have feelings you would rather they did not have.