Assessing Values

A goal usually has an endpoint.

Examples:

• Graduate from school
• Apply for five jobs
• Run a 5K
• Call my sister tonight
• Finish a project by Friday

At some point, the goal can be completed or not completed.

A value can continue guiding behavior over and over.

For example:

Value: Learning

You might:

• Take a class
• Read a book
• Ask for feedback
• Learn from a mistake

Finishing one class does not complete the value of learning.

You can continue moving in that direction.

Suppose your value is:

Connection

Possible goals might include:

• Plan dinner with a friend
• Join a group
• Call a family member once a week
• Have an important conversation

If one goal does not work, the value can still help you choose another route.

A useful test is:

“Can I permanently check this off?”

You can complete:

“Have dinner with my parents Sunday.”

You cannot permanently complete:

“Be a caring family member.”

The first is a goal.

The second is closer to a value.

You may feel:

• Motivated today and unmotivated tomorrow
• Close to someone today and irritated tomorrow
• Confident one day and anxious the next

Values can help provide direction even when feelings change.

Happiness may be something you understandably want.

But ask:

“If I felt happier, what would I want to be doing with my life?”

Maybe the answer includes:

• Connection
• Creativity
• Adventure
• Learning
• Contribution

Those may be closer to values.

Suppose reliability matters to you.

You may not feel motivated to follow through on a commitment today.

You can still decide:

“Reliability matters to me, so I want to follow through even though I don't feel like doing it.”

Values can inform choices without requiring a particular mood first.

Sometimes what sounds like a value is actually an expectation you learned.

For example:

“Success is important because I should be successful.”

Ask:

• Who taught me this?
• Would it still matter if nobody praised me?
• What about it matters to me personally?
• If I did not choose this, what might matter instead?

Your family, culture, community, religion, relationships, and experiences may strongly shape what matters to you.

That does not automatically make a value less authentic.

The question is:

“Does this still feel like a direction I personally want to choose?”

Suppose you identify:

“Being admired”

as a value.

Ask:

“What would I want to represent even if admiration were not guaranteed?”

Maybe:

• Competence
• Creativity
• Leadership
• Contribution

Those depend more on how you choose to act than on another person's reaction.

You may deeply want to be loved.

But another person's feelings are not completely under your control.

Ask:

“How do I want to behave in relationships?”

Possible values include:

• Loving
• Honest
• Affectionate
• Respectful
• Dependable

You cannot guarantee that everyone respects you.

You can choose values such as:

• Self-respect
• Fairness
• Assertiveness
• Integrity

These can guide your own behavior even when someone else responds poorly.

Ask:

• What kind of partner, friend, or family member do I want to be?
• How do I want people to experience me?
• How do I want to handle conflict?

Possible values:

Connection, honesty, loyalty, compassion, playfulness, affection, respect.

Ask:

• What qualities do I want to bring to my work or learning?
• What matters beyond grades, money, or recognition?

Possible values:

Learning, creativity, reliability, excellence, curiosity, contribution, teamwork.

Ask:

• How do I want to relate to my body?
• What do I want health to allow me to do?
• What kind of care do I want to give myself?

Possible values:

Vitality, self-care, balance, strength, longevity, participation.

Ask:

• What kind of person do I want to keep becoming?
• What qualities do I want to practice?

Possible values:

Courage, openness, curiosity, patience, wisdom, learning, self-respect.

Ask:

• What kind of community member do I want to be?
• Is there something larger than myself I want to contribute to?

Possible values:

Service, justice, generosity, stewardship, leadership, compassion.

Values do not need to be serious or productive.

Ask:

• What makes life feel enjoyable or interesting?
• How do I want to use leisure time?

Possible values:

Play, adventure, creativity, curiosity, relaxation, connection, exploration.

If spirituality, religion, or a broader sense of meaning matters to you, ask:

• What beliefs or principles do I want to live by?
• What helps me feel connected to something larger than myself?

Possible values might include:

Faith, compassion, service, humility, reverence, meaning, community.

This domain is optional.

Recall a moment when you felt:

• Engaged
• Proud
• Connected
• Useful
• Alive
• At peace with what you were doing

Ask:

“What was present in that moment that mattered to me?”

Maybe you were:

• Helping someone
• Creating something
• Learning
• Spending time with people you love
• Taking a meaningful risk

The experience may reveal a value underneath it.

Ask:

“What have I done that I respect, even if nobody else noticed?”

Maybe:

• You told the truth when it was difficult
• You stayed with someone during a crisis
• You kept trying after failure
• You apologized
• You stood up for someone

Ask what quality made the behavior meaningful to you.

Sometimes pain reveals what you care about.

For example:

You feel deeply hurt after a friendship ends.

That pain may reflect the importance of connection, loyalty, or belonging.

This does not mean you should be grateful for the painful event.

It means the reaction may offer information about what matters.

Anger about dishonesty may point toward:

Honesty

Anger about unfair treatment may point toward:

Fairness or justice

Anger about being ignored may point toward:

Respect or connection

The emotion does not automatically tell you what to do.

It may help identify what feels important.

Grief often exists because something meaningful was lost.

You may discover values such as:

• Love
• Family
• Companionship
• Tradition
• Connection

Identifying the value does not make the grief disappear.

It may help you understand why the loss matters so much.

Suppose you feel jealous of someone who travels often.

Instead of only judging the jealousy, ask:

“What does their life seem to contain that I want more of?”

Maybe:

• Adventure
• Freedom
• Novelty
• Exploration

The useful information may be about the value, not about becoming exactly like that person.

Think of someone you respect.

Ask:

“What quality in this person do I find meaningful?”

Maybe:

• Kindness
• Courage
• Honesty
• Humor
• Persistence

Then ask whether that quality is something you want to practice too.

Imagine people who know you well describing you years from now.

What would you hope they could genuinely say?

Maybe:

• “They showed up when it mattered.”
• “They were curious.”
• “They treated people fairly.”
• “They kept learning.”
• “They made room for joy.”

Ask which values those descriptions represent.

Imagine looking back on the next several years.

Ask:

“What would I regret repeatedly putting off or neglecting?”

Maybe:

• Relationships
• Creativity
• Health
• Travel
• Learning
• Contribution

The answer may help clarify what deserves more attention now.

You may value:

Family

and:

Independence.

Or:

Achievement

and:

Rest.

Neither value has to be wrong.

The challenge may be deciding which one deserves priority in a particular situation.

Suppose you value both:

helping other people

and:

taking care of yourself.

Someone asks for help when you are exhausted.

Ask:

“Which value needs more attention in this particular moment?”

You may decide to help.

You may decide to say no.

Values guide reflection; they do not remove every difficult choice.

A value may need more attention during one period of life than another.

For example, during school you may temporarily devote more time to learning.

Later, connection or recreation may need more attention.

Values do not require equal time at every moment.

A word such as:

“Connection”

can mean different things to different people.

Ask:

“If I were living this value, what might someone actually see me doing?”

Maybe:

• Calling people
• Listening carefully
• Making plans
• Sharing honestly
• Repairing conflict

Two people may both value:

Health

but mean different things.

One may mean:

“Having energy to spend time outdoors.”

Another may mean:

“Taking reasonable care of my body so I can remain independent.”

Clarify what the word means to you.

Many values may matter to you.

If the list becomes overwhelming, choose several that feel especially important right now.

For example:

• Connection
• Learning
• Integrity
• Health
• Play

This does not mean everything else has stopped mattering.

It gives you a smaller set to work with.

Some values exercises ask you to identify a small number of top values.

That can be useful for prioritizing.

It is not a rule about how many things you are allowed to care about.

Something that mattered greatly at age 20 may not occupy the same place later.

New experiences can change:

• Your priorities
• Your relationships
• Your understanding of yourself
• What gives your life meaning

Revisiting your values is not inconsistency.

It can be part of paying attention to your life as it changes.

Suppose you value:

Adventure.

At one point that may mean:

international travel.

At another point it may mean:

trying new local activities.

The way you live a value can adapt to your circumstances.

Suppose honesty matters deeply to you, but you lied during a difficult situation.

You do not need to conclude:

“I obviously don't really value honesty.”

Ask:

• What got in the way?
• What were you afraid of?
• What do you want to do now?
• What would moving toward honesty look like?

A value can remain important even when your behavior sometimes moves away from it.

Avoid turning values into:

“I was 90% compassionate today, so I'm a good person.”

or:

“I failed to live my values, so I'm a hypocrite.”

Ask instead:

“Which direction did that choice move me, and where do I want to move next?”

Shame may appear because your behavior went against something important to you.

Ask:

“What value did I want my behavior to represent instead?”

Maybe:

• Honesty
• Respect
• Reliability
• Kindness

Then shift from:

“What does this prove about me?”

to:

“How do I want to live this value now?”

If you violated a value, the value itself can help guide repair.

For example:

Value: honesty

Repair: correct the lie and practice speaking honestly going forward.

This can pair well with Self-Forgiveness and Values-Based Action.

When both options are uncomfortable, “Which option makes me feel better immediately?” may not answer the whole question.

Add:

“Which choice better reflects what matters to me?”

For example:

Avoiding a difficult conversation may reduce anxiety tonight.

Having the conversation may better reflect honesty and connection.

That does not automatically mean you must have the conversation immediately.

Values provide another piece of information for the decision.

Two choices may each reflect different legitimate values.

For example:

Staying late at work may reflect:

responsibility.

Going home may reflect:

family or balance.

Values clarification can make the conflict clearer, but judgment is still required.

Review words such as:

• Adventure
• Authenticity
• Compassion
• Connection
• Creativity
• Curiosity
• Family
• Fairness
• Freedom
• Growth
• Health
• Honesty
• Humor
• Independence
• Learning
• Loyalty
• Play
• Reliability
• Respect
• Service

Mark the ones that feel personally important.

Then ask what each word means specifically to you.

If many words matter, choose several that deserve particular attention in your life right now.

Ask:

“If I gave more attention to only a few of these, which would most improve how aligned my life feels?”

Write one or two values for each area that matters to you:

• Relationships
• Work or education
• Health
• Personal growth
• Recreation
• Community
• Spirituality or meaning

You do not need a value in every category.

Write possible values on separate cards or small pieces of paper.

Sort them into:

• Important to me
• Not especially important to me

Then narrow the important group further.

Ask which values feel most important to prioritize right now.

The exercise is meant to help reflection, not produce a permanent ranking.

Remember one moment when life felt meaningful.

Write:

1. What was happening?
2. Who was there?
3. What were you doing?
4. Why did it matter?
5. What values were present?

Think of three people you admire.

They can be people you know or people you have never met.

For each, identify the specific quality you admire.

Then ask:

“Do I want to practice any of these qualities in my own life?”

Choose one supposed value.

Ask:

• Would I still choose this if nobody praised me?
• Is this important to me or mainly expected of me?
• What about it matters personally?

You may decide it truly is your value.

You may also discover that it belongs more to someone else's expectations.

Choose one value and complete:

Value:

“Connection.”

Goal:

“Spend more regular time with friends.”

Action:

“Text one friend tonight and suggest getting coffee.”

This begins the transition from Assessing Values to Values-Based Action.

Choose an important value.

Ask:

• Where am I already living this value?
• Where have I moved away from it?
• What gets in the way?
• What is one place I could move toward it?

Use the answers as information, not as a score of whether you are a good or bad person.

Start with experiences rather than words.

Ask:

• When have I felt proud of how I behaved?
• What makes me angry when it is violated?
• Who do I admire and why?
• What would I regret neglecting?
• When has life felt meaningful?

Look for themes afterward.

Many things probably are important.

Ask instead:

“Which values most need my attention in my life right now?”

Prioritizing does not require rejecting the others.

That is common.

Ask:

• What does each value ask of me?
• Which is more relevant here?
• Can I honor part of both?
• What tradeoff am I willing to make?

Values clarify difficult choices.

They do not always make them easy.

Notice the discrepancy without turning it into self-condemnation.

Try:

“This area of my life has moved away from what matters to me. What is one movement back toward it?”

Values are useful precisely because you can return to the direction.

Values clarification is not a personality test with a correct answer key.

Ask:

“Does this genuinely describe something I want my life or behavior to stand for?”

You can revise your answer over time.

Ask what it would look like behaviorally.

If the value is:

“Kindness,”

ask:

“What does kindness actually look like when I'm tired, angry, or busy?”

Concrete examples can make the value more useful.

Watch for:

“If honesty is one of my values, I must always be perfectly honest or I'm a terrible person.”

That turns a direction into a rigid standard for self-worth.

Try:

“Honesty matters to me. I moved away from it there. How do I want to move toward it now?”

Values do not guarantee comfort.

Honesty may require a difficult conversation.

Courage may involve fear.

Connection may require vulnerability.

Learning may involve mistakes.

Ask:

“Is this discomfort a sign that the choice is wrong, or part of doing something that matters?”

Values-Based Action can help with the next step.