Assertive Communication

Assertiveness is a broader communication skill.

DBT includes assertiveness within its interpersonal effectiveness skills, especially when the goal is to:

• Ask for something
• Say no
• Address a conflict
• Have your rights respected
• Get your point of view taken seriously

DEAR MAN provides a step-by-step DBT strategy for pursuing an interpersonal objective.

Assertive Communication is broader and can be used in everyday interactions that do not require the full DEAR MAN structure.

For example:

“Could you please text me if you're going to be late?”

may be all that is needed.

Passive communication often involves minimizing or hiding your own needs, opinions, or limits.

Examples:

“Whatever you want.”

even though you strongly disagree.

Or:

“Sure, I can do that.”

when you already know you do not have capacity.

Being flexible or choosing not to address every issue is not automatically passive.

The concern is when you repeatedly silence yourself even when speaking up would be appropriate.

Aggressive communication prioritizes your position by disrespecting, intimidating, controlling, or attacking the other person.

Examples might include:

• Insults
• Threats
• Shouting to overpower someone
• Humiliation
• Refusing to let the other person speak
• Trying to force compliance

Being firm, angry, or unwilling to compromise is not automatically aggressive.

You can be very clear without attacking another person.

Assertive communication says:

“My needs and perspective matter, and yours matter too.”

It may sound like:

“I can't take on another project this week. I can help next week, or we can discuss which current task should move.”

The message is:

• Clear
• Specific
• Respectful
• Direct

Assertiveness can involve recognizing:

“The other person's needs matter, but mine do too.”

You do not always need a special justification for having:

• A preference
• An opinion
• A limit
• A request

Assertive Communication is not:

“I said what I want, so you have to do it.”

The other person may have:

• Different needs
• Different preferences
• Different limits
• The right to say no

Sometimes the next skill is Negotiation.

Compare:

“You're completely unreliable.”

with:

“We agreed you would call by six, and I didn't hear from you until nine.”

The second statement gives both people something concrete to discuss.

Instead of:

“You're selfish.”

try describing what happened:

“When the decision was made without asking me, I felt left out.”

Specific behavior is usually easier to address than a global label.

If you want someone to call you, asking:

“Could you call me tonight?”

is clearer than:

“I guess I'll just be sitting around tonight.”

The second statement may contain a request, but the other person has to infer it.

You can say:

“No, I'm not available Saturday.”

without:

• Insulting the person
• Explaining for ten minutes
• Apologizing repeatedly
• Becoming hostile

Clear language can also be polite language.

Instead of:

“You never listen.”

you might say:

“I feel dismissed when I'm interrupted before I finish.”

This describes:

• Your experience
• The specific behavior

rather than defining the other person's whole character.

For example:

“I feel like you're an inconsiderate jerk.”

still functions mainly as an attack.

Focus instead on:

• What happened
• Your actual emotion or experience
• What you want or need

The separate “I” Statements skill goes into this in more detail.

You might say:

“I felt embarrassed when that was brought up in front of everyone.”

Or:

“I'm frustrated that the deadline changed again.”

You are communicating your experience rather than requiring the other person to agree with it.

Assertiveness does not require maximum vulnerability.

In some situations, it may be enough to say:

“I'm not comfortable discussing that.”

You decide how much personal information is appropriate to share.

Instead of only saying:

“I'm overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done.”

add:

“Could you handle dinner tonight?”

A specific request gives the other person something they can actually respond to.

A genuine request leaves room for:

• Yes
• No
• Not now
• A different proposal

If only one answer is permitted, the interaction may not really be a request.

Examples:

“No, I'm not able to do that.”

“I can't take on another shift this week.”

“I'm not comfortable lending money.”

You do not automatically owe a long explanation.

Responses such as:

“Um... maybe. I'll see.”

can create confusion when you already know your answer is no.

If you truly need time to decide, say:

“I need to check before I answer. I'll let you know tomorrow.”

Sometimes you may want to offer:

“I can't do Saturday, but Sunday works.”

Other times:

“No, I'm not able to do that.”

is enough.

For example:

“I'm willing to talk about what happened. I'm not willing to continue while we're yelling at each other.”

Or:

“I don't discuss my medical information at work.”

Assertive Communication helps you state:

what your limit is.

Setting Boundaries also involves deciding:

what you will do if the situation continues.

The skills overlap, but Setting Boundaries will focus more deeply on that process.

When possible, speak in a way that makes the message easier to hear.

Aim for:

• An understandable volume
• A reasonably steady pace
• A firm rather than threatening tone

You do not need to sound cheerful.

You can be:

serious, disappointed, or angry

and still communicate assertively.

You may:

• Have a shaky voice
• Feel nervous
• Become emotional
• Need to pause

and still communicate your message assertively.

The skill is not:

“Look completely confident.”

It is:

“Communicate clearly despite some discomfort.”

If you say:

“No, I can't do that.”

while laughing nervously and immediately backing away from the statement, the other person may be unsure how definite the answer is.

Try to let your:

• Tone
• Volume
• Posture
• Words

communicate roughly the same message.

Some communication guides recommend eye contact as one way to signal confidence and attention.

But people differ in eye-contact comfort because of:

• Culture
• Neurodivergence
• Anxiety
• Personal communication style

Assertiveness is about communicating your position clearly, not performing one specific body-language style.

If you hurt someone, made a mistake, or caused a problem, an apology may be appropriate.

Assertiveness does not mean refusing to apologize.

Compare:

“I'm so sorry. I know I'm being difficult, and I hate to bother you, and it's probably unreasonable, but could you maybe turn the music down?”

with:

“Could you turn the music down a little? I'm trying to sleep.”

A reasonable request does not necessarily require apologizing for making it.

You might say:

“I can't stay late today. I have another commitment.”

You do not necessarily need to provide:

• Every detail
• A defense of why the commitment matters
• Proof that your reason is good enough

The goal is not to become secretive or abrupt.

Explain enough to make the situation understandable when appropriate.

Ask:

“What information is actually useful here?”

Suppose you say:

“I'm not able to lend money.”

and the person continues:

“But I really need it.”

You may respond:

“I understand, and I'm still not able to lend money.”

Calm repetition can be more effective than inventing increasingly complicated explanations.

You can repeat:

the same clear message

without:

• Becoming louder
• Adding insults
• Threatening
• Turning the interaction into a fight

DBT's DEAR MAN skill includes a similar emphasis on staying focused on your objective.

After stating your position, listen to:

• The other person's response
• Their concerns
• Information you may not have known
• Alternative solutions

Active Listening and Reflective Listening can help.

You can say:

“I understand why you want me to do it. I'm still not able to.”

Understanding someone else's perspective does not require abandoning yours.

For example:

“I understand why you're disappointed. You were counting on me.”

Then:

“I still can't make it tonight.”

Validation and assertiveness can work together.

You can understand:

why another person wants something

without concluding:

therefore I must give it to them.

You can say:

“I don't agree with that decision.”

or:

“I see that differently.”

You do not need to turn disagreement into:

“You're an idiot for thinking that.”

Assertive Communication does not guarantee consensus.

Sometimes the outcome is:

“We understand each other's position better, and we still disagree.”

That can still be a successful communication outcome.

You can make a reasonable, clear, respectful request and still hear:

“No.”

This does not mean you communicated incorrectly.

Other people retain their own choices.

Afterward, ask:

• Did I communicate what I meant?
• Was I reasonably respectful?
• Did I treat my own needs as important?
• Did I hear the other person's response?

Those questions can be useful even when you did not get the outcome you hoped for.

If you are used to saying yes, staying quiet, or avoiding disagreement, saying:

“No, I can't do that.”

may feel unusually harsh.

Ask:

“Was the message actually disrespectful, or does being direct simply feel unfamiliar?”

Practice with:

• Expressing a restaurant preference
• Correcting a small misunderstanding
• Asking someone to lower the volume
• Saying no to a minor request

Assertiveness often becomes easier through repeated practice.

You can say:

“I'm angry about what happened.”

Assertiveness does not require pretending you are calm or unbothered.

If you are about to:

• Threaten
• Insult
• Shout over the person
• Say something you expect to regret

consider using:

• Pause Before Reacting
• Time-Out
• TIPP
• STOP → Redirect
• Check the Facts

and returning to the conversation when you can communicate more effectively.

You may have made a real mistake and still be allowed to communicate respectfully.

For example:

“I know I handled yesterday badly, and I apologized for that. I still want us to talk without insults.”

Accountability does not mean surrendering every boundary.

Ask:

“What would I say here if I believed my perspective still mattered?”

Then decide whether that message can be expressed respectfully.

You might say:

“I can finish the report today or the presentation today, but I don't think I can complete both well by five. Which should take priority?”

This communicates:

• The practical limitation
• Your willingness to work
• The decision that needs to be made

Try:

“I want to make sure I understand the expectation. Is this due Friday morning or by the end of Friday?”

Assertiveness can include asking for the information you need to succeed.

If something matters, repeatedly saying:

“It's fine.”

may not make the issue disappear.

You might instead say:

“I want to talk about how we're dividing the household work. I've been feeling overloaded.”

A partner, friend, or family member may know you very well and still not know:

• What you want right now
• What bothered you
• What support would help
• Where your limit is

Closeness does not eliminate the need for clear communication.

How safe or practical it is to speak directly can depend on:

• The relationship
• Workplace or institutional power
• Possible retaliation
• Physical safety
• Cultural context

Assertive Communication does not mean ignoring real consequences.

If someone is:

• Violent
• Threatening
• Coercive
• Controlling

direct confrontation may not always be the safest choice.

The goal is not to prove that you can communicate assertively in a dangerous situation.

Prioritize safety and seek appropriate support.

Writing may give you more time to:

• Choose your words
• Remove unnecessary accusations
• Make the request specific
• Check that the main point is clear

Before sending, ask:

• What am I actually trying to communicate?
• Is the request or limit clear?
• Am I describing the situation or attacking the person?
• Is there anything here that belongs in a later conversation?

Then send the message when it is clear enough.

Avoid editing indefinitely in search of wording that guarantees a perfect response.

Take:

“Whatever. I don't care.”

when you actually do care.

Rewrite it:

“I'd prefer to go Saturday. Friday is difficult for me.”

Practice giving your preference a clear place in the conversation.

Take:

“You better stop doing that.”

Rewrite it:

“I need you to stop bringing this up in front of other people.”

Keep the firmness.

Remove the threat.

Complete:

“When ______ happens, I feel ______. I would like ______.”

Example:

“When plans change without anyone telling me, I feel frustrated. I'd like you to text me when the plan changes.”

Practice saying:

“No, I'm not able to do that.”

Then stop.

Notice the urge to immediately add several paragraphs of justification.

Add explanation only when it is useful.

Start with:

“I wish they would help more.”

Ask:

“What specifically do I want them to do?”

Then turn it into a request.

For example:

“Could you handle the dishes after dinner tonight?”

Rewrite:

“You're inconsiderate.”

as a description of what actually happened.

For example:

“When you invited two more people without asking me, I felt put on the spot.”

Write down something you sometimes hint about.

Example:

“It would be nice if somebody helped around here.”

Ask:

“What am I actually asking?”

Rewrite it:

“Could you take the trash out tonight?”

Choose one short message:

“I'm not available Sunday.”

Imagine someone responds:

“Come on. It'll only take an hour.”

Practice:

“I understand, but I'm still not available Sunday.”

Keep the message stable instead of creating a new defense each time.

If you have a difficult conversation coming, practice the main sentence aloud.

For example:

“I want to help, but I can't take on another responsibility this week.”

You do not need to memorize an entire script.

Practice the part you most need to communicate clearly.

Choose one small situation today where you can:

• State a preference
• Ask a question
• Make a request
• Correct a misunderstanding
• Say no

Practice assertiveness before waiting for the highest-stakes conversation possible.

After an important interaction, ask:

1. Did I say what I actually meant?
2. Was I specific?
3. Did I respect myself?
4. Did I treat the other person respectfully?
5. Did I listen to their response?
6. What would I change next time?

Evaluate the communication, not only whether you got your preferred outcome.

Ask:

“Is what I'm saying actually disrespectful, or am I simply expressing a need?”

For example:

“I'm not available tonight.”

is direct, but not inherently rude.

Assertive Communication cannot guarantee that another person will like your answer.

Ask:

“Can I tolerate some disappointment or disagreement in order to communicate honestly?”

Their emotion is information.

It does not automatically mean your request or limit was wrong.

Give yourself time to answer.

Try:

“Let me check before I commit. I'll get back to you.”

Assertiveness can include delaying your answer long enough to decide what you actually want.

Before communicating, ask:

• What is bothering me?
• What would I prefer?
• What am I asking for?
• What am I not willing to do?

Wise Mind, Problem Solving, or Clarify What Kind of Support You Need may help depending on the situation.

Find the main sentence first.

For example:

“I can't work Saturday.”

Then decide whether more information is genuinely needed.

Do not bury the message underneath the explanation.

Notice your warning signs:

• Increasing volume
• Interrupting
• Insults entering your thoughts
• Wanting to punish rather than communicate

If needed, pause.

Return to the simplest version of the message.

Or take a Time-Out and return later.

You may not need to keep producing new reasons.

Try:

“I understand that you're disappointed. My answer is still no.”

If pressure becomes coercive or threatening, prioritize boundaries and safety.

Do not automatically accept or reject the label.

Ask:

• Is my request reasonable?
• Am I considering their needs at all?
• Am I violating an agreement or responsibility?
• Or am I simply expressing a limit they do not like?

Check the Facts may help separate useful feedback from pressure or labeling.

Ask what:

“didn't work”

means.

If it means:

“They said no,”

the communication may still have been assertive.

If it means:

“They misunderstood what I was asking,”

clarity may need improvement.

Judge the communication separately from whether you controlled the outcome.

It includes:

• Expressing opinions
• Making requests
• Saying no
• Communicating limits
• Addressing disagreements

An “I” Statement can help communicate:

your experience

without unnecessarily accusing or defining the other person.

For example:

“I feel frustrated when plans change without notice.”

The next skill goes into this in more detail.

You may assert:

“I don't like being spoken to that way.”

A boundary might be:

“If the conversation becomes insulting, I'm going to end it and we can try again later.”

Assertive Communication is often how the boundary gets communicated.

You communicate:

clearly, directly, and respectfully.

Many everyday requests can be handled this simply.

DEAR MAN can help when:

• The request is important
• You expect resistance
• You need to say no firmly
• You tend to lose focus during conflict
• Negotiation may be required

Think of DEAR MAN as one structured DBT approach for putting assertiveness into practice.

Example:

“I'm not willing to agree to that.”

Example:

“Only an idiot would think that's reasonable.”

Firmness is not aggression.

Disrespect, intimidation, and control are the problem.

Example:

“Sure, whatever you want.”

when you actually object strongly.

Example:

“I'd rather not do that. Can we consider the other option?”

This does not guarantee your preference wins.

It prevents your preference from disappearing automatically.

For example:

“I can't work both weekend days.”

For example:

“I can work Saturday if someone else can cover Sunday.”

Clear assertiveness often comes before effective negotiation, because both people need to know what the actual positions are.

FAST focuses on maintaining self-respect during an interpersonal interaction.

It can help you consider issues such as:

• Being fair
• Not over-apologizing
• Staying consistent with your values
• Being truthful

Assertiveness gives you practical communication tools for expressing:

• Your position
• Your limits
• Your request

FAST adds the specifically DBT self-respect framework.